JPS Yates

Devoted adherent to the modern heresy of common sense.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

@McInTweet Sorry, that should be granddaughter. My daughter is the tummy!

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

@McInTweet My 2 & a half year old daughter does a brilliant impression of Michael McIntyre at the dentist. The Finley she is talking to is due to be born on the 23rd.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

@LozzaFox I am very pleased that you have such a strong and healthy immune system. What about all of the people you infect that don't? Your choice v their life. My wife has MS, an immune system disorder. Covid could seriously maim or even kill her.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

Goodbye world.

Not that anyone is listening.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews As reports flood in of Tom Cruise buying 2 chicken tikka masalas in a restaurant, questions are raised in the House of Commons as to whether 24 hour news coverage is strictly necessary.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews After years of painstaking and arduous research, scientists discover a new species of snailfish at the bottom of the Mariana Trench that actually gives a damn who won Love Island.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

I'm confused. Can anybody explain to me why Hastings Direct would rather pay over £2,000 to a garage to repair my currently undriveable, 12 year old Insignia than pay me £1,050 to write it off...? #eCONomics

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

I can't see the point of being an Internet troll. A troll is an ugly, smelly mountain of a creature that lives alone in a muddy stream under a dank old tumbledown bridge and feeds on raw goat. I'm not sure I would respect the opinion of someone who made those life choices.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews NASA discover that the mysterious radio signal from beyond the Solar System is a product recall message from God.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer release Beatles cover album entitled "They Wouldn't Let It Be".

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews Taliban confirm Afghan women will have rights under Islamic law, which will be read to them the moment they step out of line.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews Sequel released to the famous Broadway musical Rent called Ping, with numbers including the catchy "Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred people admitted to hospital within 28 days of a positive test"

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews NHS announce that the low teenage vaccination figures are owing to the difficulty in getting a needle into a boneless, flapping limb.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews Canadian jailed for 11 years in China for spying after successfully fighting his way out of the paper bag.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews Met Office reveal there could well be a heatwave, right after the meteorite full of gold that NASA keep going on about smacks into the side of the planet.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

@HackedOffHugh Caxton was quite industrious...

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

There was a birthday this weekend just gone and there is new Lego in the house. The worrying thing is it was my birthday and I am over 50 😐

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews Historians discover that LSD was actually discovered much earlier than previously thought, the ancient Greeks having used it in their constellation naming ceremonies.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews As the the UK carrier fleet are found to be several miles away from where they were reported to be in the South China Seas, Eon Productions complain that the UK Government are now quite frankly taking the piss.

[JPS Yates @JPSYates]

#breakingnews 2400 year old fruit basket found off coast of Egypt. Police investigating what Baron Jones of Birmingham was doing in the Med.