Jacob

I'm 27 and I'm always almost homeless. I'm an aspiring voice actor, and the voice of Clint Barton for Young Avengers Live. I know all the tv & most of the food

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

Endorphins?

In this economy?

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

[putting the wrong type of shampoo on my enemy’s voodoo doll] enjoy a dry scalp you son of a bitch

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

A coffee maker implies the existence of a coffee destroyer.

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

Beef Curtain #27thbirthday

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

It's always nice catching up with old friends because you never REALLY know your life is going nowhere until you have someone that you can compare accomplishments with!

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

Determine the purity of your drugs by making a little cocaine volcano. If you mix in a little vinegar and it spouts out it's baking soda. If not then your drugs are ruined. Don't do drugs. Drugs are bad.

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

I was so naive....I WISH I only had 99 problems!

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

Is "hire me you asshole" an acceptable cover letter cause I need a new job and I don't have time for these games

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

Person at Work: "Can you-"

Me: *groans for 8 hours*

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

New Study Finds It Is Impossible to Lose Weight, No One Has Ever Done It, And Those Who Are Trying Should Just Give Up And Quit

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

*genies comes out of the lamp*

Me: "ooh 3 wishes!"

Genie: "lol lemme guess: I wish I wasn't so ugly."

Me: "wait wha-"

Genie: "I wish I had friends"

Me: "THATS NOT-"

Genie: "I wish I wasn't so fat and stupid and that I had a better immune system."

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

Babies cry when they are first born because they haven't had the delicious taste of a cold @Sprite yet

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

@MLuxy89 Unfortunately it's been tough getting a grant to fund this research.

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

Little Known Historical Fact: pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their hearts because it was a popular belief that there would be countless water slides in the afterlife.

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

Give a man a guitar and he'll play for a day. Teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

My Uber is here!

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

Just saw the greatest series of Japanese gum commercials if anyone needs an adult with their priorities in order

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

Jokes on you Facebook I lie all the time about my life

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

You know how people are always looking at sunsets? That was me, I started that.

[Jacob @J_A_M_4]

I'm so tired I could sleep a horse