Julia Wehner

I tweet the same way I pour myself a glass of water: infrequently, and aimlessly. So enjoy my question-inciting thoughts and sopping wet kitchen counter ✌🏻

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

I wish I had a relevant song to write in which I could rhyme ‘echolocation’ with ‘techno vacation’

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

While I appreciated being teased by the cashier at Trader Joe’s, I had already fully committed to a specific character for walking through the store so I just wasn’t prepared for banter in such short notice.

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

@sroyden95 NO.

[SparkNotes @SparkNotes]

I wish I loved anything as much as 19th-century men loved flinging themselves onto luxuriously cushioned sofas due to the agony of it all

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

Spritzed on some perfume, feeling like a ten, my little sister thoughtfully sniffs the air and says I smell like cooked carrots.

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

Someday in the future, we will be surrounded by men in their 80s named Kyle or Tristan, and it'll somehow be normal. Imagine.

[SparkNotes @SparkNotes]

I don't know who needs to hear this but that Russian aristocrat who lures shipwrecked sailors to his remote island is absolutely going to hunt you for sport

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

Matcha *frightens* me.

[SparkNotes @SparkNotes]

You're laughing. Our foolish daughter rejected the suit of Mr. Collins and you're laughing.

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

As much as I've been loving this summer, autumn really brings out the best kind of melancholic introspection in me and I can't *wait* to write some *sick* *moody* *poems* *again*

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

If you're looking for a quippy one-liner for your dating profile bio, here are a few options for you:

- Libra ♎️ Dog Mom 🐶 Cult Leader 🙏 Undead 💁‍♀️
- Ask me about my collection of Founding Fathers' wooden teeth
- Buzzfeed quizzes = divination ✌️

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

I live a good portion of my life like I'm performing 'Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better' but I am duetting with myself, and I am also the entire audience

[caitie delaney @caitiedelaney]

How far away are Diane Keaton’s forks

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

Watched 'Spider-Man: Homecoming' the other night, and Tom Holland is just child Bobby Flay??

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

Leah and I just realized that we both liked Mr. Noodle's brother Mr. Noodle better than the og Mr. Noodle on Elmo's World — food for thought

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

@hannahtaraschke Hahaha so: a peeve = something that annoys you, and a pet peeve = one of the things that annoys you most.

(Though I actually think saying biggest pet peeve is *technically* allowed haha)

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

Good afternoon ☀️ Just popping in to remind everyone that the phrase “one of my biggest pet peeves” is redundant and incorrect!

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

The amount of DCOMs that use Times New Roman as the opening credits font is truly appalling

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

Welcome to Stir Crazy: a fresh new cooking show from quarantine where everything is prepared without a working hand mixer

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

A friend asked me to text him a picture of my bangs because his family was "literally running out of conversation topics" so my haircut came up and it was "sadly the most interesting news [he'd] heard in awhile."

This is how I'll describe quarantine to my children.

[Julia Wehner @J_Weh]

I do not endorse Tik Tok, and I refuse to make an account. But have any identical twins done the flip the switch challenge? Just a thought, could be funny