CorganuɐƃɹoƆ

on the road again. Cold Toast/Stingray

[CorganuɐƃɹoƆ @JacobCorgan]

requesting the uber driver to put it in sport mode

[Goblin Moder @mischiefanimals]

in the days before cameras this would've become a legendary local cryptid. in the 21st century we're calling it Jimothy

[Roy Drones Jr @chiweethedog]

no healthcare. no vibrant middle class. crumbling infrastructure. grifters in every office. so all we have are tools and symbols of violence to flaunt that are antiquated useless to win wars but only useful to bomb poor third world countries. happy 250th

[jxke. 🧸🎰🃏 @cantguardjake]

Listening to my little league coach yell at us due to the stress over his impending divorce while I think about how i’m gonna tell him I left my cleats at home

[drank gore @thedarkprowler]

Door dashing a chicken patty sandwich from a middle school

[Cameron Bradford @camerobradford]

[checking my reputation for the first time in a while] What the hell… Who’s been tarnishing this?

[devin 🎱 @fartpog]

I like when the fast food worker wraps my debit card in the receipt like a blanket

[chase @funnysmartguy12]

people u went to highschool with be liking ads on instagram

[oatmeal influencer @acechhh]

overheard my wife tell our cat to “go find something to do”

[zachariah @airtightangelic]

pauly d was 29-30 years old when the first season of jersey shore was filmed yet y’all wanna act like grannies at 27! get your ass in the club!

[crittur @miwwmiu]

Stop being pregnant around my cigarettes

[the heart @Fredward3948576]

Speak simply, kitten. You know daddy is at his intellectual limit

[🦢 @meishato]

when your stomach is really mad at you and you’re not sure which one of your 13 unhealthy lifestyle choices is causing it

[⊹ @htvzn]

watching regular show when u mordecai and rigby's age make it so much funnier

[Qadi @Bigqadi]

Don't nobody be on Twitter more than an employed person on the clock.