Jade Leigh

In another life, I'd be a stripper in a Tarantino movie. Instagram: _jadeleighmartin

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

Y'know when you get into bed and then realise you've forgotten to brush your teeth and you have to decide what kind of person you're going to be?

I brushed them, for fucks sake, but I'm mad about it.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

I hope revving your motorbike ridiculously loud this morning made you feel better about your small penis.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

I am so obsessed with them.

https://t.co/qwde6mZIFG

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

Isn't it funny how listening to a neighbour thump on a drum set for hours can make you want to kill somebody savagely with a drum set?

It's 4am.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

2016 and this hits so much worse. Hello, I'm back to fucking moan about everything.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

A great thing about Twitter is getting to realise that most of your favourite celebrities are functionally illiterate

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

@coldplay thought you would appreciate this...

https://t.co/WVE9N5KK1A

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

Went flying over a kamikaze orange in Asda and yet managed to keep hold of everything! I had to eschew the temptation to high five myself and the elderly lady next to me.

Note: baskets are a thing.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

Why do people on buses always talk about being on a bus.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

Y'know, we should all go through life like Joey Tribbiani, fork in pocket, ready to dig into whatever life serves us.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

Patient: You look so tired!

Me: Haha. Yeah. I didn't sleep much last night

Me under my breath: Cunt.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

@thejamessutton listen, you! Try it. You'll thank me. You'll like me even more. You'll be knocking on my door for more remedies.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

The greatest hangover remedy? Ice-cold Ovaltine. You get the cool relief, the nutrients, the chocolatey goodness. You are welcome.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

What's worse than watching someone being tickled? It is sadistic foreplay & extremely traumatising for me to watch a person gasping for air.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

A great thing about Twitter is getting to realise that most of your favourite celebrities are functionally illiterate

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

Whenever I see someone bragging about their grocery hauls of nothing but veg I'm just like "notetoself never eat at that house of suffering"

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

People are so fucking performative with their 'healthy' food pics. "Grocery hauls" that are literally 2 bags of vegetables. PLEASE fuck off.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

The bags under my eyes are darker than the inside of Hollister

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

The world should be divided into two: normal walkers and fucking slow walkers.

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

Imagine being a super-hot person who captions all their hot selfies with inspirational captions just to give them some kind of meaning 🙄

[Jade Leigh @JadeLeighM]

Jesus. If Meghan Trainor can win a Grammy, I guess I can do anything.