JamandMildPeril

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

And I made it through today without setting anything valuable on fire. Valuable. Sentimental value doesn’t count because feelings are bullshit. Not that I burned anything. Stop looking at me. How was your day?

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

And the smoke alarm has gone off because I made toast.

Attempted toast.

I’m not saying the house has no faith in me. I’m saying it heard I was preparing food and immediately contacted emergency services.

Fair.

Fuck it, cereal.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

Yandere Library Book.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

Vampires are incredibly old-fashioned. Courtship. Devotion. Possession. Murder. Very traditional.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

A vampire saying “I’ll never leave you” sounds romantic until you remember they are physically capable of meaning it.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

Vampires apparently have heightened hearing, incredible strength and absolutely no fucking concept of boundaries.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

The first rule of Dinosaur Fight Club is that you don’t talk about Dinosaur Fight Club because people will think you’re completely fucking insane.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

Look, I know my limits. I cannot physically knock out a mammoth. I’m short. It’s a mammoth. But I’m also a pyro and it has turned up wearing several tonnes of kindling.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

I’m short, which means the dinosaur won’t see me coming. Unless it looks down. Don’t tell it to look down or I will stab you after I’ve finished with the dinosaur.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

i need a dinosaur. Don’t ask why. Fine, ask why. I saw La’an punch one in Star Trek and now I want Eye of the Tiger playing while I make the worst decision of my entire life.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

I laughed quite a lot, actually. Not with it. Never with it. But laughter occurred.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

By the power of Grayskull, I have lost two hours and twelve minutes of my life. Lost them. They are not in my inventory.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

I didn’t vanish without warning. I warned myself several times that I was about to vanish and then ignored me.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

I’m not a corgi thief. I’m not. I’m a corgi redistribution specialist, which is completely different and frankly sounds much nicer on the court paperwork.

[JamandMildPeril @JamandMildPeril]

Disappeared is a bit dramatic. I merely removed all evidence that I was still alive. It’s fine.