James Barnes

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

Socially awkward fail: So one day I was walking around, just chilling with my friends when I see this guy reading a book. He was new there but the book was a book I read and LOVED.

So naturally I approach this boy hoping to make a new friend and bond over the series. Being the socially awkward fail I am I planned out ahead of time what I’d say: “Hey, we’ve [my friends and I] wanted to come over to say hi cause I say you were reading a book I liked and I hope we can talk more in the future.”

But no.

Once we got to him I panicked and just had to blurt out “We’ve come to hello you.” and I think my voice cracked and I almost started to cry.

Never gonna talk to them again.

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

Sporting goods: So I have this health teacher who is really insane about exercise. This woman has done ironman triathlons, and talks about going to the YMCA at 5:00am.

Yeah she’s crazy.

Basically we have this project to pick a health goal to do for a month. Things like drinking water or doing squats. For that you need some motivation so we were talking about physical things to reward ourselves with.

She decided to tell us about her sporting goods fetish, where she goes into a store and buys a bunch of gear like they were books.
In the middle of this she suddenly goes, “I really like Dick’s”
Realizing what she just said, she turned red and in a more quiet voice goes, “please don’t tell your parents.”

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

He drew it all himself
Teacher: Who helped you to draw this map, Jack?
Jack: Nobody, sir.
Teacher: Didn’t your brother help you?
Jack: No, sir. He drew it all himseil.

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde\'s mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde\'s intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you
steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in
the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write \'Please turn over\' on both sides of a piece of paper.

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

Whisper
A mother took her little boy to church. While in
church the little boy said.
“Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not
appropriate to say the word "pee" in church. From
now on when you have to "pee" just tell me that you
have to whisper.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church
with his father and during the service said to his
father:
“Daddy, I have to whisper.”
The father looked at him and said,
“Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

Texas Vs. Australia
A Texan farmer goes to Australia on vacation. There
he meets an Aussie farmer and gets to talking. The
Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan
says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice that size!"
They walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie
shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately
replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as
large as your cows."
The conversation has died down when the Texan
sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.
He asks the Aussie, "What are those?"
The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't
you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
Funny Tale of a Lost Senior Citizen
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man
sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I
stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He told me, 'I have a 22 year old wife at home. She
rubs my back every morning and then gets up and
makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly
ground coffee.'
I continued, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He added, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch
and my favourite biscuits, cleans the house and then
watches sports TV with me for the rest of the
afternoon.'
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'
He said, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal
with wine and my favourite dessert and then we
cuddle until the small hours.'
I inquired, 'Well then, why in the world would you
be crying?'
He replied, 'I can't remember where I live.'

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

School Question
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a
question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

Guardian Angel
A man was walking in the street when he heard a
voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step,
a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of
him. The man was astonished.He went on, and after
awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again
the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one
more step a car will run over you and you will die."
The man did as he was instructed, and a car came
careening around the corner, barely missing him.
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell
were you when I got married?"

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

MIND READER
One day a young man was visiting the fair. Over to
one side was a small tent, with a sign that said "For
50 dollars I'll teach you to be a mind reader! - Apply
within."
So the young man thought that he'd give it a
go, and went inside. Behind a small table inside was
an old man, who looked up when the young man
entered and says, "Ah, you must be here for the
mind reading lessons."
"Er, yes," the young man said.
"Well, follow me, and I'll give you your first
lesson."
Then the old man goes out the back of the
tent and comes back with a hose. "Here, hold this
hose," he said.
"Why?" said the young man.
"It's part of the lesson," replies the old man,
"Now, look in the end and tell me what you see."
So the young man looks into the end of the
hose. "I don't see anything," he says.
Just then the old man turns on a tap, and the
hose shoots water into the young man's face.
"I just knew you'd do something like that."
the young man shouts at the old man.
"There. You're a mind reader!" the old man
replies, "That'll be 50 dollars."

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

MALE OR FEMALE ?
SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because
even though it appears useful for a wide variety of
work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go
to the bathroom in pairs.
TIRE -- male, because it goes bald.
WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always
getting hit on.
SHOE -- male, because it is usually
unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
PHOTOCOPIER -- female, because once
turned off, it takes a while to warm up again -- and
only when the right buttons are pushed.
HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved
much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to
have around.
REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female,
because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without
it, and while he doesn't always know the right
buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

OUT ALL NIGHT DRINHKING ...
An Irishman's been at a pub all night drinking. The
bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So he
stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He
figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and
maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his
face. So he crawls home and at the door stands up
and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door
and up the stairs.
When he reaches his bed he tries one more
time to stand up. This time he falls right into bed
and is sound asleep.
He awakens the next morning. His wife
stands over him shouting at him. "So, you've been
out drinking again!!"
"How did you know?" he asks.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair
there again

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

ALL YOU HAVE DONE SINCE YOU GOT
HERE ...
A man decided to join a very small and very
selective order of monks. The order was so devoted
to prayer they were only allowed to say 2 words
every year.
After the first year passed, he went into a
small room where he was given the chance to say
his two words to the head monk. His two words
were "Too cold." The head monk nodded and gave
him an extra blanket.
The next year passed and he was once again
taken into the small room. This time his 2 words
were "Bland food." Again the head monk nodded
and gave him a box of salt.
When the next year had passed they took
him back into the small room, and his 2 words were
"I quit."
"Fine!" exclaimed the exasperated head
monk, "All you've done since you got here is
complain anyway."

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

THE BIBLE
A father was approached by his small son,
who told him proudly."I know what the word 'Bible'
means!"
His father smiled and replied..... "What do
you mean, you 'know what the word Bible means'?"
The son replied, "I mean I figured out what
the word stands for!"
"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what
does the word 'Bible' stand for?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." said the boy, "It
stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving
Earth'."

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

TEN DOLLARS IS TEN DOLLARS
Stumpy Grinder and his wife Martha were
from Portland,Maine. Every year they went to the
Portland Fair and every year Stumpy said, "Ya
know, Martha, I'd like to get a ride in that airplane."
And every year, Martha would say "I know,
Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars .. and
ten dollars is ten dollars."
So one year Stumpy says, "Martha, I'm 71
years old, and if I don't go this time I may never go."
Martha replies, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride is
ten dollars ... and ten dollars is ten dollars."
So the pilot overhears then and says, "Folks,
I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say
ONE WORD, then I won't charge you. But just ONE
WORD and it's ten dollars."
They agree and up they go... the pilot does all
kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a
word is heard. He does it one more time, and there is
still no word... so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and
says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to
get you to holler out, but you didn't."
And Stumpy replies "Well, I was gonna say
something when Martha fell out ... but ten dollars is
ten dollars."

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife says
to her lazy husband who refuses to find a job. "My
father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food.
My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car.
I'm just so ashamed."
The husband rolls over on the couch. "And
you damn well should be," he agrees. "Those two
worthless brothers of yours ain't never give us a
cent!"

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

– I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

Nothing is too small to know, and nothing too big to attempt. – William Van Horne

[James Barnes @JamesJim360]

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.