Austin Jones

Gets paid to drink bourbon. Dozens of awful business ideas you can invest in.

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

I'm letting nature take over. Its officially 58° in the house

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

My tiger stripe shorts giving me away im the guy shittkng at the bar at the bachelor party

Computa: emit odor

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

Head shaver died mid cut. Idek how to describe my current hair style. Bad

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

“Hey, call me when you can. Non-emergency” is a relationship saver

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

“There I am, I’m a bad guy” - Tony S 2003

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

Damn, posted that and forgot about Grok

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

ChatGPT, use your AI powers to remake all of the Fast and Furious movies in the animation style of Pixar’s Cars

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

If I wasn’t married I’d quit my job and be Panda Express store manager for a year to boost my lore

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

@rianjohnson Knives Out 4: Takes place at a middle school where the “teacher of the year” is mysteriously poisoned. It’s up to Blanc and the Junior Detective Club to solve the murder. Also all of the suspects (teacher, coaches, pta, etc) are played by the @NBCSuperstore cast.

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

Gonna start calling my friends ‘gang’ in same voice Fred from Scooby Doo does

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

I’m going to start using Twitter to post and throw a dart at the viral dart board in hopes one gains traction. But I’m not scrolling. Here it comes

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

@tkelce @taylorswift13 let me know if you guys need a wedding planner. I’ve got some ideas within your budget.

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

*me trying to relate to my FIL*

Me: I think you’d like “insert piece of media”

Him: oh yeah, I’ve already seen that

Me: oh cool

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

Could someone run the numbers if it’s worth it to get the Planet Fitness membership tier where you can go to any location. I just to have a safe/clean place to poop constantly nearby

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

I’m on one at the family vacation and the group is talking about the worst time they were ever stung by bugs. Wtf

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

Top 5 worst feelings is a warm toilet seat. And it ain’t 4 or 5

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

I just reread my own tweets through 2020 and I’m funny as fuck. My followers have no sense of humor. Gotta take these thoughts to TikTok

[Nick Offerman @Nick_Offerman]

Ron was best man at a gay wedding you dumb fuck. #HappyPride

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

Damn white devils

[Austin Jones @James_JonesIMM]

She might be right on this one

[Tomi Lahren @TomiLahren]

If you FaceTime in a public space, straight to jail.