My mom just came down and asked me if I wanted her to put some of my beer in the fridge since I don't have any left in there. This is how I know my mommy loves me.
Girl at work came over to my one co-worker and said "OMG! Are you pregnant?
Co-worker: ".....no"
Girl: *buys co-worker a giant chocolate bar as an apology
Co-worker: "motha fucker I don't need this. I CLEARLY FEED MYSELF!"