Jamie Greenlees

Psychotic, Violent, Ruthless, and Un-Hinged cuddly bear. My hobbies are killing people and flower arranging.

[Best Book Monkey Loves Young Adult Books @BBM_YoungAdult]

Helen has a dilemma when it comes to her melons. Along with her friend Ellen, they discreetly divulge their problem, which makes you question whether there may be a subtle...

https://t.co/uMfEMoERAc

@jamiegreenlees
#Comedy #Puns #FridayReads #bookplug #rrbc #booklovers

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

[yesterday]

Reporter: If you become PM, how will you drag Britain out of poverty?

Liz Truss: *says everything everybody wants to hear*

[today]

Reporter: What’s first on your agenda as PM?

Liz Truss: BURN THE PEASANTS!

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

Finally the weather in the UK is decent enough to take my goldfish for a walk.

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

I’ll never forget the only lady I've ever truly loved who left me for a richer and smarter man. Well, look at me now baby! I have an imaginary toilet roll and Im telling complete strangers on the Internet about it. Opportunity missed!

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

An ex colleague tagged me in a post which lead to me tapping on a piece of cheese to determine whether I was lazy or a workaholic, and the result was inconclusive, so that’s the rest of my life ruined :(

[Wolfmann 🇨🇦 @wolfmannjr]

Porn Hub not selling branded socks is a terribly missed opportunity for advertising

[Genevieve @Gen22]

I don’t mean to brag but I am more tired than you are.

[Sweet N Low @Krrrristie]

In 2020 I disconnected my cable... haven’t watched tv in over a year.... and I’m still more informed than most... 😘

[E~ville @E_Ville13]

Watching Intervention like, I wish I had 1,500 dollars a week to spend on drugs.

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

Thank you Best Book Monkey. FREE to read on Amazon kindle, with ebook and paperback also available on Amazon. Well worth a read. Thank you!

[Best Book Monkey Loves Non-Fiction Books @BBM_NonFiction]

Hilarious and gripping tale of a man terrified of life and luckless in love meets a cataclysmic woman.

https://t.co/SMdP7PjJvr

@jamiegreenlees
#CURSEANOVA #ROMCOM #booksmakemehappy #booknerd #bookpromo #books #bookpassion

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

Making friends on Market Place is hard :(

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

Went for a run today. These were my thoughts:

-I can do this
-I can’t do this
-Must be a mile in now
-Wish I could download muscles
-No more pizza for breakfast
-HA Look at that idiot drinking water
-GOD I'm super thirsty
-My heart just stopped
-I hope it’s warm in the ambulance

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

Once I lost my job because I told my boss I was nipping out for a sandwich and returned to the office 6 hours later, blind drunk, on a Go Kart, wearing a wedding dress.

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

Being hungover, I hadn’t the energy for small talk with my hairdresser, so I sat in the chair, looked dead in her eyes via the mirror, and said “I’ve got a box of chocolates up my bum”. Best awkward 8 minutes of my life.

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

My GF left me because she wants a ‘gentleman’ that ‘opens the car door for her’. All because I panicked and swam to the surface. Sorry :(

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

When I die I want the worlds worst haircut so if anybody peers into my coffin, their first thought isn’t “WOW he fat”

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

My neighbour set up a projector in his garden this morning and played a YouTube best of door bell noises compilation video through a DJ stand and now I have a body to hide :(

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

[Sunday night]

Me: Monday’s are stressful. I’ll empty my mind & get plenty of anxiety free & unbroken sleep

My brain: OR.....we could unnecessarily lay awake for hours scientifically examining the absolute worst chain of events that could possibly happen tomorrow?

Me: OK COOL

[Jamie Greenlees @JamieGreenlees]

Me: *yawns* I’m off to bed

Car alarms: THAT’S OUR CUE GUYS