Jared Waltzer

Comedy Writer / Performer • Trained at UCB, Second City, iO, Pack Theater, Groundlings

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Today is Groundhog Day. And this just in, Punxsutawney Phil froze to death.

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

This week marks the one-year anniversary of President Trump’s second term. Or to Democrats…

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Democratic senator John Fetterman has published his new memoir. The book is available in hardcover, paperback, or hoodie.

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Just wrote my 15,000th monologue joke

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

A new “Star Wars” film trilogy is being developed. Bringing the total number of movies in the franchise to an even 15,000.

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Progresso unveiled its new soup flavored hard candy called “Soup Drops.” Because if there’s a candy all the kids want, it’s Chicken Broth.

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

People making over $100,000 a year are now shopping at Walmart. Which may explain the store’s new Caviar aisle.

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Off-Broadway’s Connelly Theater will now only allow Catholic Church-approved productions. So get ready for “Death of a Salesman: The Resurrection.”

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Spirit Halloween will open Spirit Christmas stores this year. With their top seller already being, “Ralph-The Glowy-Nosed-Flying Deer.”

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Monopoly is making a “Queens Edition” board game honoring the New York borough. Landmarks like Rockaway Beach will fill the property slots, and the “Get Out Of Jail Free” card will be replaced with a “Fuhgeddaboudit.”

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Mark Zuckerberg recently demonstrated Meta’s new augmented reality smart glasses. Then immediately got a wedgie and was stuffed inside a locker.

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Recently, drug-sniffing dogs in Ecuador found over 12,000 pounds of cocaine hidden in a shipment. Officers were alerted after hearing the dogs loudly quoting “Scarface.”

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

More than half of supermarket baby foods have been found to be unhealthy. With the World Health Organization urging parents to specifically avoid Gerber’s Bacon Double Cheeseburger.

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

According to a new study, people with deeper voices are seen as more attractive. Which explains this year’s Sexiest Man Alive, Darth Vader.
@people

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes says Taylor Swift has started drawing up plays. So get ready for “Blue 42, We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together.”
#nfl

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

A Malibu mansion is set to become the most expensive ever at a cost of $300 million. Or as Jeff Bezos calls it, “a fixer-upper.”

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Coca-Cola and Oreo have partnered to make Coca-Cola Oreo Zero Sugar soda. The companies say the combination is exactly what no one asked for.

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

“Bark Air,” a luxurious airline just for dogs had its first flight. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines announced its own dog-only service called “Rabies.”

[Jared Waltzer @JaredWaltzer]

Grocery store vending machines in Alabama, Texas, and Oklahoma will now sell ammunition. However, as a safety measure, the bullets can only be collected via claw machine.