Jarrett Bellini

Writer. Lover of naps, mezcal, and Oxford commas. #COYS

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

Screwworm is back!
A flesh-eating parasite.
It's like McRib.

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@LastWordOnSpurs @szyexcl *stomps on desk receptionist's leg on way out*

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@ProjectLincoln Thirteen seconds ago I did not know that screwworm was a thing, and now I'm both scared AND have a new nickname for my penis.

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@LastWordOnSpurs @hlnsport * goes to watch a youtube highlight video to lure self into false sense of excitement *

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@ClayTravis True, but I don't know that they're all delusional. That's why it had to be Scott. Financially, he'll be just fine. He fell on the sword. He said what needed to be said so others could keep their jobs. Plus I reckon he'll have a nice lawsuit. I'm OK calling him a martyr.

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

My social barometer for handshakes, fist bumps, and hugs has completely malfunctioned. Lately, every greeting and goodbye feels like the world’s stupidest game of Rock Paper Scissor. I can’t read the room anymore. Humans desperately need a software update for social cues.

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

"You sure about that?"
- Mr. DeMille

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

“I want to thank Stephen Miller for writing me such a great speech. Where is he?”

“In his office, sir. Autoerotic asphyxiating.”

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@RubenGallego @POTUS Could’ve been an email.

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@RubenGallego With a shot and a chaser. Yes.

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

Well. That was something.
OK, rest of the world, if you’ll look right here.

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@TheRickWilson The one from Stephen Miller’s night stand.

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

A hacking group is extorting Pornhub after stealing 200 million data records that include the viewing habits and search history from premium users. If the site fails to pay ransom, subscribers might be exposed for their most embarrassing secrets: That they actually pay for porn.

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@AnnCoulter Soooooooo treat air travel like a Greyhound station?

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@PressSec "OK."

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@ProjectLincoln "Sir, she's your chief of staff."
"I would never let a native American in my administration."
"That's not ... never mind."

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@EricTrump @worldlibertyfi You won't reply, but I'll ask anyway ... do you support what your dad wrote about Rob Reiner?

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@SethAbramson "Did somebody say crickets? Yum!"
- Stephen Miller

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

@MenInBlazers Enjoy your life of ruined weekends, kid.
(Source: Spurs fan)

[Jarrett Bellini @JarrettBellini]

This would get literally anyone else fired from their job.

* Assuming, of course, HR hadn't already instructed security to walk them out the door days ago for shouting, "Quiet, piggy" to a woman.