Jarvis, make all active duty officers wear a badge that says "steal my open-carry service weapon and win a free Carnival Cruise for your family!"
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Jarvis, make my fingers 10 inches long so I can get the Pringles out of the Pringles can.
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Just kidding. Jarvis, open fire on a random suburban home.
Jarvis, tell everyone that if they want to follow me somewhere after Twitter goes down they should turn off the lights and sit in a dark corner until I appear to them like an angel.