He missed his calm. He wanted to be back in the garden. He didn’t want to feel fear, or apprehension, or pain. He wanted to feel serene, as though nothing could touch him. He wanted it so badly.
He couldn’t hear the orders Omega rapped out but suddenly everyone was busy. Computers were shut down. Bins were closed and locked. Weapons were gathered. Gravsleds appeared and gang members began loading them.
Obi-Wan, Anakin thought. He smiled.
"Jedi lessons are learned by Masters as well as Padawans."
"Wisdom comes with time and missions," Anakin said, repeating Obi-Wan’s own words.
Obi-Wan smiled gently.
"And mistakes," he said.
But Ferus’s mature judgment surprised Obi-Wan. Surprised him and irritated him, he had to admit. Ferus did not allow for the goodness of Anakin’s heart. He did not see how hard Anakin tried. He did not know that Anakin questioned himself all the time.
Was that it? Anakin wondered. Did he feel too much to be a Jedi? He hadn’t yet managed to achieve the distance from the Living Force that other Jedi could maintain. How could he learn to shut out his feelings, to close a door against them and keep on going?
"Are you picking up anything about the mission ahead?" Obi-Wan asked him curiously. His Master often asked the question as soon as they stepped foot on a planet. Sometimes he even asked it before they landed, if he sensed that Anakin was swept by intuitions about the mission.
He knew what Obi-Wan would say. It didn’t matter who suggested it. The outcome was the goal. Resentment was ego. He knew all this, but it did not chase the resentment away. You can feel the emotion, Obi-Wan would say. Just let it go. Anakin gritted his teeth. I’m trying, Master.
It was moments like this that he lived for. The night air, so crisp in his lungs. Danger so near. The Force around him. If he could hang in the air forever like this, he would.
Anakin did not know how he was going to get out of the room without exploding. His emotions were too wild to control. It was only by hanging on to the habit of a life of discipline that he was able to turn and follow his Master out of the room.
Unfortunately, Obi-Wan could not manage to find the melody. Swanny shot him a horrified look.
"Uh, not so loud," he hissed. "Maybe you shouldn’t sing, after all."
Anakin hid his smile. He was glad his Master wasn’t good at everything.
"Who is the driver?" Obi-Wan asked curiously.
Yso consulted his datapad. "Anakin Skywalker."
Obi-Wan felt the shock shimmer inside him, but he did not register surprise on his face.
He reached inside the pocket of his tunic and withdrew a small, smooth stone. It was a river rock, a present from Obi-Wan. It had belonged to Qui-Gon.
The rock was Force-sensitive, but that was not why Anakin reached for it during times of stress.
An odd look passed over his Master’s face. "Your feelings are important, Padawan," he said kindly. "And they are important to me. But you are being swayed by emotion. That is different from following your feelings. You should know the difference by now."