Jesse Jones

Owner of @STABcomedy in Sacramento, CA. Co-Host of the @VanFullofCandy show on @KUTZfm. Also, I've collected a book full of my funnies! CONSUME

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

What if all horses are unicorns, and we've just never seen them excited enough to have face boners?

[the STAB! show @STABshow]

STAB! 455 - "Beachsonas"

Run in slow motion with the rockin' sounds of Daniel Kessenich, Sethu Chidambaram, & Dylan Fox as they avoid the buzz killing life guard @JessePJones ...

https://t.co/uATLGAvDAV

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

Discipline is the ability to say "No!" over and over again to something that you really, really want.

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

The degree to which accidental taps on things, followed by immediate -- yet futile -- corrective untaps, has drastically and irrevocably obliterated algorithmic understanding of me by platforms I frequent can not be understated...

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

If we're really serious about this, why are the hoods and roofs of electric vehicles not solar panels?

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

Just heard a couple people from the other side of my cubicle LITERALLY just realize that they had forgotten 9/11.

"I just realized what day it is! Do you know what day it is?"

"It's Wednesday."

Somewhere, a Bald Eagle just stopped feeding freedom fried to Toby Keith's ghost.

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

Yell at me all you want Rugby announcers, I am no closer to understanding your game than I was 3 years ago, but I will watch nonetheless!

#ParisOlympics

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

Authoritarian Voice Over Loud Speaker: All who oppose us, will be Baconated!

Young Resistance Recruit: Oh shit, you didn't tell me they had the Baconator!

Grizzled Resistance Fighter: Yeah, the Baconator's back -

(Dramatically powers up blaster rifle)

For a limited time only.

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

I do things for the right reason but in the wrong way. It's very difficult on those around me, I understand that.

I've just never learned better ways, and I've lost so much while just trying to do everything for everybody.

I try so hard to do good. But I do it the hard way.

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

Too few popular artists nowadays arrive on our jive ass planet from a funk based extra terrestrial society via their starship powered by rock.

And we are all the lesser for it.

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

Do I now have a monthly Funko and Garbage Pail Kid allowance?

Yes.

Have I already spent both of them on the 2nd day of the month?

Also yes.

I will try to hold to these reasonable allowances I've set for myself. I don't have a lot of faith I'll be able to, but I'll hella try.

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

It's been seven weeks since my last cubicle garden update... and it shows...

#CantStop #OverWatteredKalanchoeIKnowShutUpAboutIt

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

Guys! Jeff and Danielle are such gosh darn wonderful so's and so's who surprised me with my own dang Pop and I love little me so gosh darn much!

It was so danged sweet & unexpected and sweet! I was all emotional and I hugged people and showed him off all night!

You're awesome!

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

With my newfound steady income, I'm finding myself buying @OriginalFunko Pops and contributing to my Roth IRA in pretty equal amounts.

So what I'm saying is I'm DOUBLE investing. I think.

#21stCenturyAdult

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

The high points of the fuckin' high points.

Cubicle update!

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

A short story in four Pops.

#TheyLive #GPK #Fallout #Funko

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

Admittedly, it's been a while since I've officed, but I assume my cubicle coffee bar is pretty standard, right?

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

The thing's already filling up! Maybe word has gotten around, and maybe that word is it's a good class!?

That's a good word.

Sign up and hang out with me for six weeks?

[STAB! Comedy Theater @stabcomedy]

The next session of STAB! Improv One is officially OPEN!

Sign up at https://t.co/6dF2bC43mb

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

"I like to watch that dumper ripple on impact!"

Romantic? Yay or Nay?

[STAB! Comedy Theater @stabcomedy]

How will we all ever find a place to hang out and share the collective STAB! experience and gather with like-munded weird-o's?

Well, over on Discord, actually.

Join the STAB! Discord! Like, now!

https://t.co/bupA4M9AkY

[Jesse Jones @JessePJones]

They'll... I mean. They'll tell me when it's too much... right?