Jessica Bilgrad

Conveniently Jewish

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

“Is there a name for that? People who have sex with veggies and fruits?” -my mother

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

Maybe you don’t shit where you eat but I don’t dedicate where I dine

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

Why do people do cocaine off of mirrors in movies. That is literally the worst angle to see yourself

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

It's not a garage sale unless there is a chevron stripe scarf for sale

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

“Your zoom room or mine?” Sounds a lot sexier than what it actually is.

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

Sometimes I will just be sitting there and my TMJ starts firing like i'm getting a distress call in morse code

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

The same reason pomegranates freak me out is the same reason I like them: it’s like Im excavating and eating fruit teeth.

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

Shout out to the people who can't fully commit to putting a bumper sticker on their car, so they tape it up with scotch tape on their back window instead.

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

“New York blocks are long” - my mother

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

My boyfriend has “weekend jeans” which are a bit more relaxed and baggy. My boyfriend has “boyfriend” jeans. #Fashionista

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

My favorite animal print to wear these days is lion print #🦁#fashion

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

It’s like I always say: finders keepers losers weepers jeepers creepers where’d you get those peepers

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

Ahhhhh! Real Monsters energy drink

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

Unlicensed Princess Bride 2. This time it's not Westley, it's Mideastley. And he can't say "As you wish", it's "For you, I do."

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

What’s the best way to prevent someone from sitting next to you on a flight you ask? Just start sniffing and crying!!

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

Edgar Allen Pie

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

One of my favorite experiences in museums is the mansplaining overheard by dads, boyfriends and husbands!

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

Instead of Simon and Garfunkel singing about “parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme” they could have just shortened it to “poultry seasoning”

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

A #hallmarkchannelmovie love story but instead of a woman moving to a town and falling for a man, she moves to a town that has free pads and tampons in the restroom. They fall in love during the first snowfall

[Jessica Bilgrad @JessicaBilgrad]

Behind every man posting about his wonderful lady is a wonderful lady making him post that