Jillian Karger

Muppet rights activist. Author of a plethora of novels—especially if you count the unfinished ones. Enjoys the word "plethora".

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

spider-man: weird your rug looks just like a giant piece of paper

me: [sneaking up behind him with enormous cup] that 𝑖𝑠 weird

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, "no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman"

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* ...You better actually buy jeans with this

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

jude: for fuck's sake WHAT

[Mara Wilson @MaraWilson]

"Oh my god I LOVE this song" -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

[𝔭𝔭 @athleisure_monk]

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

ME: i put so much pressure on myself to succeed

FRIEND: you're eating ice cream in bed

ME: *snoring*

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

GOD: people are pissing me off, I'm gonna kill most of them with a flood

NOAH: ok

GOD: and you know how food that's good for you tastes good and food that's bad for you tastes bad? I'm switching that

NOAH: aw c'mon man don't be a dick

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

DATE: did you really expect it to be four hours of wolves dancing?

ME: *arms crossed* don't talk to me

[m@thew @TweetPotato314]

Of all the dinosaurs, the Oedipus Rex was the baddest mother fucker.

[Swim Jeans 👖 @ShortSleeveSuit]

My dad looks PISSED that I dropped this acid

[the hype @TheHyyyype]

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have bone cancer

ME: so you might say I’m “bad to the bone”

DOCTOR: it’s terminal

ME: duh nuh nuh nuh nuh

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR: ba ba ba ba baaaad

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn... Oh goddamn it.

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

Yaaay my novella The Specific Ocean is complete! It's about 7 college friends who reunite in NYC after 10 years when they learn their beloved writing professor has died. Check it out ⬇️⬇️⬇️

https://t.co/nbiOrrzs17

[huntigula @huntigula]

I didn’t open this dojo to teach kids discipline and respect, I opened this dojo so parents would pay me money to fight their children

[Mowgli @Holy_Mowgli]

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

Hi guys! If you're looking for something to read during your holiday break, my books are FREE in the Kindle store from now until 12/29 😁

Viable is dystopian⬇️

https://t.co/ZSP9xQogMf

Vita and the Monsters of Moorhouse is a whimsical dark fantasy⬇️

https://t.co/vfsOj7C96Z

[Jillian Karger @JillianKarger]

don’t you just love when you remember some shitty online review you read 5 years ago that just so totally missed the point and now your fists are clenched and you’re shaking from all the adrenaline like did we even watch the same muppet family christmas