Jimmy Poodle ☘️

Eating cat food in front of starving cats since 1992. Current world record holder of the long jump (34 minutes 27 seconds).

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

My doctor said he only writes with pencils because he’s not sure most of the time.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

Everyone has their price. My uncle Leonard, for example. He said he’d never go skydiving without a parachute. You know how much he agreed to in the end? £15k.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

Loads of students in my college course used AI to complete their assignments & never got into trouble. The second I try to use it the professor starts screaming & kicks the syringe out of my hand. My knuckles are fucked now.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

What’s that song Dolly Parton sings about the dead body in the wishing well? I heard it on the radio last night but couldn’t cum on time.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

Deborah Meaden tried to sue me once because I pretended to be a phlebotomist & fed the other end of the tube into a bin bag until it was almost full.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

In hindsight, vaginal rejuvenation surgery probably wasn’t the best birthday present for my 98 year old grandmother because now she has nowhere to keep her pens for bingo. Well, she can keep one, but only if she spits on it first & that takes ages.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

the only thing worse than blood in your stool is blood in your stool when you’re wearing white jeans

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

“Timmy, what is it?���
“It’s a Velociraptor”
“It’s inside me”

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

Ireland must legalise euthanasia. My grandfather has suffered from gynecomastia since he was 6 years old. Every day is a constant struggle for him. He can’t walk by a building site without being whistled at. You thinks that’s easy for a man in his 90s?

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

I spat on the clown at my nephew’s birthday party & nobody thought it was funny.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

@AmazinglyEnough Oh well, another 80 years & we’ll be dead, thank God.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

Grandma’s new girlfriend keeps sticking all the fridge magnets to her fanny piercings. She says her fanny is the only fridge granny should be sticking her hand in.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

Is your eye sight more like eye shite? Then come on down to EYESHiTE™

All our glasses are sourced from hospital changing rooms & our happy endings are deemed a foreskin’s worst nightmare.

I want £650 for none of the business, @TheoPaphitis. @omid9 wants Chewitts & a Fanta.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

The artist formally known as Prince Andrew

p.s. I better be the first cunt to have come up with that joke. Fuck you if you beat me to it @TheoPaphitis.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

Grandma’s new girlfriend keeps sliding “herself” up and down all the door handles now all the home help have to double up on gloves.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

Knife attacks are far less distressing than wank attacks. Don’t believe me? Just ask my bed bound grandfather after I leave his room.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

If I can’t get rid of it by the 5th flush it deserves to stay.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

Got fired from my job at the abattoir today for laughing too hard.

[Jimmy Poodle ☘️ @Jimmy_Poodle]

“I would put a value of between £16.50 and 88 million dollars”

I think we need to fire the new expert
#AntiquesRoadshow