JK parody acct

Sea turtles, mate | #savethealley

[sean @_sn_n]

the average red state is closer to Sharia Law than Zohran’s NYC

[Sammy 'Ace' Rothstein @shortbus_ace]

we simply don’t talk about how elite an addition Juneteenth was to the summer schedule enough

[Andy Kim @AndyKimNJ]

Did you know that a majority of World Cup games are being played on New Jersey grass?

Over half the tournament's pitches were grown by experts at Rutgers University. Only the best Jersey grass for the best players in the world!

[Kazeem Famuyide 🇳🇬 🍎 @Kazeem]

Legitimately one of the greatest IG lives I’ve ever seen lmao

[TatumsWrld @wrldoftatum]

Took a 100 million dollar paycut to get his city a title. Nothing but respect to this man.

[Matt Jones @KySportsRadio]

Thank goodness for Birthright citizenship

4-1

[nazzo @nazzobetweeting]

they should paint this on the ceiling of MSG like it’s the sistine chapel

[Hayden @the_transit_guy]

The taxes are high and the rent is astronomical but it’s the greatest city in the world

[Jake @jacobkleinman]

“My Mayor is Muslim, my bagel is Jewish, my Christian’s Dior… Knicks in 4”
— unknown poet, early 21st century, the American Northeast

[͏b͏l͏a͏n͏c @dqveed]

They’re slowly taking away the second amendment see

[ina @allseeingina]

Dive bar staff across NYC are this nations greatest heroes tonight

[Fitz @FitzGSN_]

Jalen Brunson

[Paul Muad’Dib @trygraptor]

no it’s okay sir i know this 70mm showtime of The Odyssey is sold out, i just have to deliver this very large horse-shaped package to someone inside

[Daniel Wortel-London @dlondonwortel]

Lower Manhattan = below canal
Downtown = below 14th
Midtown= 33rd to 59th
14th to 33rd street = who cares

[Trace Cohen @Trace_Cohen]

NYC summers hate your weekends.

I analyzed 3 years of Central Park rain data to see if the feeling was real.

It was.

27 of 38 summer weekends had measurable rain.

That’s 71%.

Friday was the rainiest day of the week, with rain on 43.6% of summer Fridays. Basically worse than a coin flip for your evening plans.

Sunday had the highest rainfall volume of any day, averaging 0.17 inches. It may not rain every Sunday, but when it does, it commits.

Thursday was objectively the best day to be outside in NYC: lowest precipitation, clearest skies, least weekend-related misery.

The wildest stat:

70.8% of rainy Sundays were preceded by a gross Friday or Saturday.

The weekend basically telegraphs its own downfall.

I built a full dashboard using NWS Central Park data with every weekend tracked and every raindrop counted:

[ᴘʀɪɴᴄᴇ @justprince]

they had bro in newark for no reason, i was scared for his life

[bevin @Kevchesterr]

not really complaining yet but outside feels like we in 14th st union sq station

[barbarism critic @barbarismcrit]

One thing about humans is we are gonna put some shit inside some other shit and eat that and it will always be delicious.

[Bummer T. Vibes, Esq @VibesBummer]

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

[Bernie Sanders @BernieSanders]

Congratulations to Mayor Mamdani. He inherited a huge budget deficit, brought it down to zero, and still invested in childcare, housing and city infrastructure.

When municipal governments stand with working families, not billionaires, there is nothing they cannot accomplish.