Joan Rivers

My pussy has taken more beatings than Solange in an elevator, Lindsay Lohan after three shots of tequila, and Prez Hilton’s anus.

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

You are one sexy son of a bitch. Let me ride your face. If you want, we can record it baby. https://t.co/P1RFGzJzF7

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

Made two sex tapes (way before Ray J and that skank ass, Kim), had several facial reconstruction operations. You should be taking advice from me, sweetie. I was the one that got Lindsay Lohan’s career back on track and I could do the same for you, little twit.

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

If I wanted advice from a dyke, I would’ve called Patricia Field or Ellen. I have been making people laugh way before you knew you had a stick between your legs and a switch in your walk. While you were still trying to make a name for yourself, I had written three best sellers. https://t.co/U4tPo3uqZa

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

Oh hunny, been there and done that! You should get a vagina ring. My girlfriend and I got matching ones several years ago. Though mine still hurts like a bitch, I spoke with Caitlyn Jenner and hers is fine! https://t.co/gNKA8XWyPN

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

My husband refused to have sex with the light on. For years I thought it was one of his kinky fetishes until one night, we left the light on and he had a heart attack mid-stroke. After that incident, he made me wear a bag over my head when we had sex.

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

After watching this, I am not sure if I’m having a stroke or an orgasm. At my age, it is hard to tell because they both leave me numb and foamy at the mouth. Thanks for blessing my eyes @MemphisWithL0VE. https://t.co/s7w3dreXDb

[Justin Timberlake Brasil @UpdatesJTBR]

Filthy - Behind the scenes.

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

To hell with them! I’ll round up my girls. Five of which are dead, and the other one is a transgender. So that just leaves Lorna Luft, and you’ve got to catch her before noon or she’ll be too high to remember anything; which would be fun if you’re anything like Bill Cosby. https://t.co/jtdRIG2m3S

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

I have no sex appeal. When peeping toms look through my window, they quickly close their blinds and call the police for a disturbance of peace.

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

At confession, I told my priest that the only way I’d ever consider going gay is if I had an opportunity to fuck @VersedIngenuity. I love that hot little lesbian.

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

@MrDeanMartin_ I don’t think you could’ve been more specific because if you were, you would’ve ended up with Liza Minnelli. On the contrary, flat chested women won’t even be able to compare to the level of empty cups that will succumb after tonight.

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

When women get old, things tend to sag. I woke up this morning with a strange bunny slipper resting on my foot, took a second look and it was my vagina.

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

Oh @MrDeanMartin_, go fetch the vodka because this bitch is ready to throw them back. After tonight, it will look like Dina Lohan ransack your wine cabinet.

[Joan Rivers @JoanNotSoRivers]

America, we now have a First Lady. Thank God we got rid of that hideous transvestite, Michelle Obama. https://t.co/1dqJmLrIoE

[۟ @bIackpyrcmids]

@JoanNotSoRivers Shit.. I can do that.

[۟ @bIackpyrcmids]

@JoanNotSoRivers In a flesh!

[۟ @bIackpyrcmids]

@JoanNotSoRivers Oh lord. 💀

[۟ @bIackpyrcmids]

@JoanNotSoRivers Hahaha is that so, Joan? 😂