John DelBene

Original Jokes

[John DelBene @JohnDelbene]

I don’t use door knobs because I distrust them

[Kyle 🌱 @KylePlantEmoji]

[first day at Domino's]

Manager: oh and one more thing: don't fuck the pizzas

Me: haha

Asst Manager: seriously, don't fuck them

Cook: dont fuck the pizzas dude

Me: I'm n-

Customer: that guy's not gonna fuck my pizza is he?

Manager: not if he wants to keep his job he wont.

[Keaton Patti @KeatonPatti]

Sex was created by Hallmark to sell Mother's Day and Father's Day cards. This happened in 1915 and is well documented. This is also why having sex is called "Hallmarking" or "Doing the Hallmark."

[Keaton Patti @KeatonPatti]

The only thing I remember from my many years of science classes is that you can't leave a telescope and a microscope together in the same room or they'll kill each other. The Scope Wars will never cease.

[John DelBene @JohnDelbene]

I remember writing this tweet, and let me just say that it took an entire hour to get the wording correct; and that’s all I have to say to those who don’t believe in the sbeve. Thanks

[John DelBene @JohnDelbene]

Greg was abused all his life. Punched all the time by everyone in his hometown. People would form long lines just to punch this boy. That’s why when he went off to college, he was skeptical about making friends, he thought that they would punch him. But there’s no punchline.

[preston @prestovision]

i pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states women’s national soccer team

[John DelBene @JohnDelbene]

I just want that Flint Lockwood

[John DelBene @JohnDelbene]

Me: what! Do you think pancakes just grow on trees??

My stuffed elephant Fred, the one who usually listens to me:

My stuffed horse May, short for mayonnaise, who never listens to me:

My potted pancake plant blooming in the corner of the room: 👀

[John DelBene @JohnDelbene]

Urgent: Complete this MANDATORY poll that has to be completed by EVERY US CITIZEN

Never gonna...

[John DelBene @JohnDelbene]

Well you know the old saying: it’s 9 O’clock on a Saturday somewhere

[John DelBene @JohnDelbene]

My very expensive Speakers have never once spoken to me, and really I just feel lied to and want my money back

[John DelBene @JohnDelbene]

Trash is a scam created by weak people with weak stomachs who can’t handle just eating all their “waste”.

[John DelBene @JohnDelbene]

The Kool-Aid Man and Barney the Dinosaur are the same exact creature, millions of years apart in evolution.

[Keaton Patti @KeatonPatti]

Me: The Doritos website should be a .edu because it's a SCHOOL FOR YOUR TASTE BUDS!!!

The Supreme Court: Again, we agree with you, but we don't have the jurisdiction to make that happen.

Me: The Constitution has failed us all.

*every bald eagle dies*

*it's just a coincidence*

[John DelBene @JohnDelbene]

Hot take: Nipples don’t exist. They are a myth created by the government to keep us in line.

Wake up sheeple!

[tj :P @gooberschnoz]

mike pence’s full name is mechanical pencil

[Denny’s @DennysDiner]

Salt Lake City implies the existence of a Pepper Lake City