John Knifeman | Monster Hunter

he/him, freelance monster hunter, ex-PE teacher & divorcee. call 1-800-936-PEPIS if you have a goblin problem, or know where I can find my Wife.

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

All because I’m uncertified and never had a single client it was “the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard, please leave my courtroom Mr Knifeman”

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

When I told the judge that I’m now working as a freelance monster-slayer, he laughed at me.

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

Maybe I should start a business to give me something to do

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

Had a belter of a New Years. Drank my body weight in Holsten Pils lager and woke up this morning in the ICU.

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

If you’ve witnessed a Fleshgait switching form, I want you to call my dedicated Human Fraud hotline with their names and addresses.

For legal reasons (namely my ongoing divorce settlement) I have to state that I will NOT use this information to instigate a murderous rampage.

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

The court said it was my turn to have the kids this weekend. They wouldn’t shut up about something called #Fleets. This is obviously an acronym for Fleshgaits Luring Everyone Everywhere To Slaughter and I will not STAND for it.

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

All I know is sadness and alimony

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

Been locked in my cupboard since late October, is this horde still roaming the streets?

[Teddy Almanzor @AlmanzorTeddy]

Overjoyed to see all the little ghouls, hellbeasts, imps, and hobgoblins in the streets this Halloween. The human kids were pretty dang adorable too!

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

The LA Jetpack Man is real and he abducted my wife

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

Never trusted them silicone valley types, anyone with that much money is obviously a goblin

[Less Is Morgue Podcast | ON HIATUS @LessIsMorgue]

Don’t be afraid of ghosts. Be afraid of Tech CEOs.

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

Saddened to learn about the brutal ukulele murders that occurred at Camp One Counsellor. As in all things, I blame the goblins.

[Less Is Morgue Podcast | ON HIATUS @LessIsMorgue]

A moment of silence please for Norm, who was killed in an act of senseless ukulele violence last Friday. Will he be missed? You tell us.

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

Just to feel something again...anything

[THE BOYS @TheBoysTV]

RT if you want Butcher to call you a cunt. #TheBoysTV

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

For anyone wondering, I’m John, I’m in my mid-fifties and everything I’ve ever loved eventually leaves me

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

Hello to any goblins reading my tweets, know that one day I will find you...

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

Is this it you just...type shit?

[John Knifeman | Monster Hunter @JohnKnifeman]

So...er...how do you work this bloody thing?