John Humphreys

Father 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧, Husband 👫 Gym enthusiast 💪

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

At my funeral, I want everyone to be handed a Ouija board with a note saying:

“Let’s stay in touch.”

If you hear from me afterwards, I expect a fucking reply.

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

Pushing the trolley round Asda Mum holds the corner and steers it because apparently I can’t be trusted with basic supermarket manoeuvres.

I’m 35.

She still treats me like I’m 12 and have just been let loose with £5 pocket money.
“Careful.”
“Mum, I’m driving a fucking trolley.”

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

Does anyone remember Campinos?

Those little pink and white swirly sweets. 🍬

Absolutely stupendous bit of confectionery.

No idea why they disappeared, but apparently we’re just expected to carry on with our lives without them.

Miss the little bastards.

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

When she asks "do you think I'm fat."

And you text her back with "Nooo" but it autocorrects to "Mooo"

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

WIFE: [On phone ordering pizza] 12 inch
please.

ME: Know what else is 12 inches?

WIFE: Behave.

ME: [Grabs crotch] Four of these.

🤯🤣😊👍💪

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

I was buying powdered donuts and this lady next to me said -
"You should never eat donuts for breakfast!"
So, I told her "My Grandmother lived to be 100 years old." She asked "And she ate
powdered donuts for breakfast?"
I said,
, "No, she minded her
f**kin' business."

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

The song "Mambo No. 5" but instead of girls it's varieties of cheese.

A little bit of Cheddar in my life,
A little bit of Brie by my side,
A little bit of Red Leicester is all I need,
A little bit of Stilton, guaranteed.

👍🤣🤷💪👌🙏

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

Wife: “Take me somewhere they cook the food in front of you.”

So I took her to Subway.

She wanted teppanyaki. I gave her a footlong.

Marriage is all about compromise. 😂

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

Just bent over in the mirror to check the sun still shines out my arse.

Good news.

Still fucking glowing.

NASA have been notified.

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

Don’t fucking tickle me, mate.

I’ll scream like a sausage in a Greggs microwave.

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

British road rage is basically
Someone indicates at the last second, cuts you up and nearly takes your wing mirror off.
You calmly mutter “you absolute bellend” under your breath then spend the next 12 minutes replaying the incident in your head like it was the Battle of Waterloo

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

Imagine having billions of galaxies to choose from and somehow we landed on the one where you need to work 40 hours a week just to afford existing.

Absolutely ridiculous planet selection.

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

There’s a version of you living the life you wish you had.
Every time you turn right, another you turns left.
They made the choices you didn’t.
Loved the people you lost.
Stayed when you left.
Somewhere, they have everything you wanted.

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

Therapist: “And what do we do when we’re feeling sad?”

Me: “Watch a murder documentary and mentally redesign the crime so I wouldn’t get caught.”

Therapist: “No.”

Me: “Right. Journal?”

Therapist: “Yes.”

Me: “About the murders?”

Therapist: “Jesus Christ, no.”

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

We put dogs down for biting but not grown men for R A PE

Make it make sense 🤯🙄

💯💯💯💯💯💯

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

My wife was deep into a contraction during labour.
Everyone was focused, calm and supportive.
Then I suddenly shouted: “AHHH SHIT!”
Everyone stopped and looked at me.
I said: “I forgot to put the fucking bins out.”
I’ve never seen many people lose respect for someone that quickly

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

That shower curtain touches my back ONE fucking time and I'm immediately fighting demons.

I'm swinging like I've just been betrayed by my entire bloodline.

Bitch, I came in here to wash my arse, not enter a fucking

UFC title fight.

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

If I was a bird, I know EXACTLY who I’d shit on.

And honestly, I wouldn’t even feel guilty.
I’d circle back for a second opinion.

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

“Whose clever idea was this then?”

An elite British sentence.

No swearing.
No shouting.
No threats.

And yet everyone in the room knows someone is absolutely getting fucking executed.

[John Humphreys @Johnhump26]

Start every phone call with:

“My phone is about to die.”

That way, when you’ve had enough of their shit, you can just hang up.

No explanation.
No awkward goodbye.
Just “BRRR—” and disappear. 😂