JohnnyNonReg

Fantastical Feats of Fuckery, served up daily since 1977. Inspiration for the Lady Gaga hit, /When Ginger Jesus Rides In On a Scorpion./

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

Dear Mr. NonReg:

You, sir, are an asshole, and what's more, you're an asshole because it entertains you.

Sincerely,
Science

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

CO-WORKER: <leaving for the day> Okay, I'm out.

ME: All right. Be safe getting home, have a good weekend.

CO-WORKER: <sarcastically> Wow, JNR, it's really beautiful that you'd say that to me.

ME: Well, if it makes you feel any better, it was completely insincere.

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

Watching "Cliffhanger" for the first time in like a quarter of a century, and John Lithgow's performance in this reminds me of my long held belief that every actor would love an opportunity to play a fun villain.

[Tim McMillan @LtTimMcMillan]

Uh oh… we might have a new contender for best 4th of July fireworks video.

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

Dumb motherfuckers already shooting off roman candles and shit in broad daylight.

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

@HEB Check your DMs, but the app says it's not in stock within 50 miles, and people on Reddit can't find it in Austin or DFW. One guy said there's an issue with the lid manufacturer.

This isn't an urgent matter, The Esteemed Mrs. NonReg just needs to know that it's coming back. LOL

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

@HEB Question from Mrs. NonReg: what happened to y'all's French onion dip? It's the only brand she likes. The two stores I checked didn't have it, and didn't even have spaces for it on the shelves. Is the key ingredient floating on a ship in the Strait of Hormuz or something?

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

@HEB Yep, that's the one, although it doesn't have to be that particular size. I think the missus would be okay with a five-gallon bucket. Lol. Apparently, it's out of stock across a wide area. Y'all didn't discontinue it, did you?

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

ME: Bummer. Good old days, you could get results, pulling shit like that.

(👊🏼 if you got the Battle Creek, Michigan reference.)

(3/3)

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

ME: Sooooo... still no biopsy results?

MRS. JNR: Nope. Should've had them two weeks ago.

ME: Is the labwork being done in-house at the endo's office, or is this a "ship the sample off to Battle Creek, MI, and wait six months" sort of situation?

(1/3)

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

MRS. JNR: It's not in-house, and the lab itself is local. But the lab has multiple locations.

ME: Okay, so I can't just barge into one office and bang on their reception counter with a baseball bat until they cough up the goods.

MRS. JNR: Nope.

(2/3)

[moose @mooseincrisis]

delete this.

[internet hall of fame @InternetH0F]

A group just performed a crazy stunt called Dinner For Six involving dropping a table of 6 people out of a plane in the middle of their steak dinner

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

"What's for dinner?"

"Mama's Meat Pocket."

"You goddamn right, it is."

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

This is correct, especially after complaints of bullying have been met with indifference by all the so-called adults at the school.

Sometimes, the only way forward is to forcefeed Caleb, Remington, and Khaleesi their front teeth.

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

Found this in an antique shop (Uncommon Objects is the name) in Austin. Obviously, I'm not going to use them, but I picked it up because it's just kind of an odd bit of my fair, adopted city's history.

[COOLEE BRAVO @ItalianFiesta]

And I’m right in da middle if they both wanna get SIXTY ATE

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

Today's "Stabbed Between the Ribs By Time" moment comes from an airline ad. Opening line: "in-flight wifi has come a long way since I was a kid."

Mrs. JNR also seems appropriately galled by this, as her response was, "bitch, you could smoke on planes when I was a kid!"

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

This is one of the craziest goddamn things I've ever seen. A couple of years ago, Mrs. JNR bought me a 2TB add-on drive for my birthday, cost about a hundy. Three grand for four times the capacity? Bite my ass.

https://t.co/LuPDczIFiE

[JohnnyNonReg @JohnnyNonReg]

🎵 DEE-TEE-DEEEE 🎵

[Variety @Variety]

Comedian Carlos Mencia has been charged with tax evasion and failing to report $8.7 million in income. Mencia was arrested Thursday and remains in custody.

According to the complaint, Mencia allegedly failed to file any taxes for tax years 2019-2024 and could face up to 11 years in state prison.

https://t.co/KP9daMRmf5