Jonathon_Zapf

I’m the kid in the picture.

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

Bananas would look funny in pants

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

@peteholmes @JuddApatow Nooo😢.

Fucking Get It Together @HBO

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

@sammorril @kay5bon @azizansari Hey, answer my email about the interview, that would be cool.

[TheOriginal™ @Original_Vaughn]

Student came to class today with his child due to no babysitter or anybody to watch her while he was in class.
My professor NATHAN ALEXANDER said “I’ll hold her so you can take good notes!” #HBCU #morehouse #Respect

[Sam Richardson @SamRichardson]

I’m not at the #Oscars but I DID just get recognized by the cashier at a Dallas CVS while buying laxative for my VERY troubling constipation.

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

When your bro knows you were the one who farted, but he won’t tell because he knows he’ll just roast you later.

[Matthew A. Cherry @MatthewACherry]

Caption this

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

@MatthewACherry When your bro knows it was you who farted, but won’t say anything because he’s got your back.

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

What exactly is the Oscars stage? Also, it was really fun to see Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper make out with just their eyes. #Oscars2019

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

@bertkreischer How many times have you had a nightmare about flying dildos.

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

@JimCarrey The force is orange, lumpy, and smells weird with this one.

[Jim Gaffigan @JimGaffigan]

Can we start referring to charging our phone as exercise yet?

[Nearly There Improv @ImprovThere]

Some hearts were stolen at tonight’s Valentine’s Funny- great job guys- check out our March show where we are making the ginger do a jig for us

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

That’s it. That’s the scene.
Moral of the Story: Cupid Doesn’t age well, and deep dish to to die for.

[Nearly There Improv @ImprovThere]

SOUND THE ALARMS! The Nearly There Valentines❤️ Funny Show has been pushed to 8:30 this Friday. Call the babysitter. Break the curfew. Drink caffeine in the nighttime. The funny kids are going late!

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

@ClaireStowe4 Sickening. Also, what the f*ck has Trump actually done to help any of those people? I don’t understand!! How people can be so f*cking stupid!

[Nearly There Improv @ImprovThere]

Find out if these two are making character choices or just blatantly bad mouthing the cast! THIS FRIDAY!!!

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

Tripping balls at my Dad’s house

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

There’s a lizard called a “Bearded Dragon” that apparently has more facial hair than me, the mammal, and we’re known for our hair.

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

This is pretty f*cking fantastic

[NowThis Impact @nowthisimpact]

‘We have a system that is fundamentally broken.’ — Rep. @AOC is explaining just how f*cked campaign finance laws really are

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

Me: I’m having trouble with this problem

My Math Teacher: Try working backwards

Me: I can barely even do math forwards

[Jonathon_Zapf @JonathonZapf]

Me: Mom, guess who emtied the dishwasher without you asking.

My mom: