Jonathan Johnston

the most trusted journalist in happy valley

[Jonathan Johnston @Jonjonjonnson]

@Josh_HokitUFC They need to add you to the videogame im refunding until they do

[Zherka @ZherkaOfficial]

Before you feel sorry for yourself, remember that the love of your life is with someone else while you refuse to individuate.

[The Incredible Hok @Josh_HokitUFC]

I’ve been nothing but nice to this fat cow pig… I’m not here for unity, in reality there will never be unity… I come to divide people’s faces… if you don’t like it then come do something about it…

[Rickey “Meat Missile” Malone @RickeyMMM6]

Dude probably paid for the whole vacation and in return got half his face on slide 5. Get out while you can, kid #tragic

[⚰︎ @vamperignon]

I just saw a guy say hi to a group of girls in west village and he grabbed each of them by the waist and kiss them in the cheek and then he just fist bumped the fat one

[Rich Gugg @RichGugg]

This is my first time gambling to pay a bill because I don’t have enough money. I can’t lie it is truly exhilarating

[Jonathan Johnston @Jonjonjonnson]

@japan_nobunaga Alabama vs Tennessee

[Carnivore Aurelius ©🥩 ☀️🦙 @AlpacaAurelius]

when you ejaculate you lose the nutritional value of 2 pieces of new york steak, 10 eggs, six oranges and two lemons

[Jonathan Johnston @Jonjonjonnson]

@insanedms Need

[Discussing Groyper @groypernewsTV]

🚨 Throwback to when Nick went to a bar but only ordered Fanta Soda and played clash of clans

[Big Wave Fan @KonaBigWavey]

How on earth do people date multiple women at once. I’ll be asking girls about their brother and they’ll be like I’m an only child you got the wrong bitch

[Nicholas J. Fuentes @NickJFuentes]

IRAN WON, ISRAEL LOST 🇮🇷 > 🇮🇱

TOTAL GOYIM VICTORY 🫵😂

[Kaguya’s Top Gal @hayasaka_aryan]

She abandoned her husband and kid to sleep with black rappers and then do this btw

[The Incredible Hok @Josh_HokitUFC]

Go home and recover you cry baby so we can fight and you’ll have to make another excuse of why you lost… CHAMA

[Sean Strickland @SStricklandMMA]

How do you put this BS on a church.....

[Gloyper💀Anon @Gloyperanon]

Fat Jew who pretends to be some beer drinking dude bro from Boston is triggered over a UFC fighter being transphobic

[Atticus @redl3tters]

I used to date this girl who was very into the idea of being the best girlfriend ever and one of the ways she set out to accomplish this was by regularly waking me up by giving me head.

I’d often regain consciousness to the sensation of her initiating the act, which was great, but –– and I know this might surprise you –– after a while it got old.

Many mornings, I just wanted to sleep in for an extra hour rather than “rise” and shine at 6 am. Head is cool, but having your final hour of sleep stolen away does start to take a toll on a man after a while.

So at a certain point, I started to think maybe I should tell her to chill out a little. Like, hey, I see what you’re doing here and I love the spirit behind the commitment, but… maybe later, ya know?

Yet in the midst of that thought, I had an epiphany:

This isn’t really about me.

This girl is on a mission. Being the best girlfriend ever gives her an identity and purpose and meaning. Who am I to prioritize my own fleeting desires over her deeper needs? Getting my dick sucked at 6 am is about her.

So the wakeup head continued. Morning after morning. I never said a word. Because I am an incredible person.

This is what empathy is like, ladies. Many of you could use some.

[Jonathan Johnston @Jonjonjonnson]

@fadule_ Gay