Joseph Magee

•Arkansas Grad #WPS •Amateur Poker Player •One-Time Standup Comedian •Pimento Cheese Enthusiast •Trivia Guru •Rasslin Fan •Whiskey Connoisseur

[Joseph Magee @JosephMagee]

Lebron back to Cleveland was right there! They were in the Eastern Conference Finals last year. Go home, be the missing piece, go on another run and retire a hero.

[Deb @DontCallMeDebby]

Jimothy the raccoon has had more confirmed sightings this week than Mitch McConnell.

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he's a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He's a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can't file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat."

Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons."

Me: What's the medical reason?

Clerk: He's a cat.

Me: That's not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

"Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement."

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He's a cat.

Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings."

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

"Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court."

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat.

Me: I've been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this.

Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent.

Roommate: That's what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

[TONY @TonyMichaelX]

“I don’t want a digital download code. I want a physical disk.”

[OSW review @OSWreview]

This website lets you add quotes to nWo themes!!
https://t.co/d95rCdeRh0

[Danhausen @DanhausenAD]

5 months ago Danhausen was wrestling for independent wrestling promotions in clubs, bars, halls, gyms, theaters and abandoned buildings (thank you all for giving Danhausen a stage.)

Next month Danhausen will be featured at the Worlds Most Famous Arenahausen.

Thank you @WWE thank you @TheGarden thank you Fanhausens around the world.

[90s WWE @90sWWE]

Me after stepping outside for 2 minutes

[Danhausen @DanhausenAD]

No it’s not

[Tom Brennan @Brennanator]

“Liz Lemon, this is Dan Houseman.”
“It’s Danhausen.”
“Whatever his name is, I gave him 5 dollars to curse Martin Lawrence in 1996 and I’ve been on top ever since”

[Danhausen @DanhausenAD]

Danhausen isn’t to blame for tonight.

[Joseph Magee @JosephMagee]

I really need Nike to release the gym bro Skeletor hoodie

[Joseph Magee @JosephMagee]

@br_betting What would Danhausen do? That’s a lot of human monies.

[FanDuel Sportsbook @FDSportsbook]

New York is firmly in control 😅

[Joseph Magee @JosephMagee]

Rally. Moth. #LFG #WPS

[Danhausen @DanhausenAD]

Sports Hero of the Year Danhausen says The Knicks remain uncursed.