Josh Alday

Comedian/entertainer/storyteller/writer

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

My girlfriend who collects rocks and crystals: Do you know what this one’s called?
Me: idk, amethyst?
Her: no, his fuckin name is Steve

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

What I’m really looking forward to with Ai is being able to type “post-indie hardcore band called ‘turtles have no lips’” and getting the exact music I anticipated.

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

Is it true that all popes are just cosplaying as cephalopods?

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

I’m going to open a kosher brewery and call it Happy Jew Beer

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

Did you know if you shove a seashell up your nose you can smell the ocean and blood?

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

Don’t forget to flip your frozen pizzas halfway through.

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

I wish OJ Simpson had stuck with comedic acting instead of…you know…

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

Cop Watch, but for other first responders

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

Hot take: squirt is poo #SquirtIsPoo

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

WHY ARE YOU ALL YELLING AT ME??? Screamed the only person who was yelling during an otherwise perfectly calm house meeting.

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

My girlfriend: what’s that Benedict Cumberbatch movie with the dog?
Me: you mean Dogtor Strange?

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

@shannonwoodward Omg. Is that where it came from? Is that why I’m always diffusing awkward situations with comedy?

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

Millennial Marie-Antoinette: let them eat ass

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

I bet lipreading classes are a real motherfucker right now

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

The Presidents Of The United States Of America are definitely the best presidents of the United States of America.

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

Dear ibuprofen,
Just change the spelling already, none of us fuckin say it like that.

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

Considering the matches Tinder keeps recommending, I’m staring to suspect I’m not as handsome as my mother told me.

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

Careful…they’ve got a G clef tattoo but can’t read music. They mean business.

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

Ska? You mean music that makes you feel happy? No thx

[Josh Alday @JoshAldayComedy]

Free love? In this economy?!