Josiah Upton

Indie author, meme peddler and three-time son begetter. Discover my YA zombie series POSTMORTEM ANOMALIES, now on Amazon!

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

Just because they crave human flesh doesn't mean they aren't people, too. Grab your FREE Kindle copy of Sons of Sludge, the first book in this genre-bending zombie series, right now!

https://t.co/KTEqtJoLHC

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

#NationalTeddyBearDay

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

~Loki traveling via Tesseract progression~

Beginning of Avengers: Summoned by Fury and Selvig’s high-tech S.H.I.E.L.D. portal

End of Avengers: Sharing a twisty bank tube thingy with Thor

Endgame: Just, like, grab the motherfucker and go

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

Yo Moon, your lunar ass looks like a fingernail clipping tonight #sorrynotsorry

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

Literally no one:

Everyone: *overusing the “Literally no one” meme template*

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

Me: *sets fresh fruits and vegetables on one end of the belt and raw meat on the other*

Cashier: *tears open chicken packet and shoves strawberries inside*

*Uses loaf of bread as a bat and Campbell’s soup can as a baseball*

*Stands on bag of Doritos*

*Beer catches on fire*

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

“This looks like a prominent street, I should be able to cut through...”

Suburban neighborhood developed in the late 90s: MWUHAHAHA WELCOME TO MY LABYRINTH

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

@tyliston @joechianakas SONS OF SLUDGE: 100 years after a zombie apocalypse a mutation of the undead virus has endured, killing infected teens and resurrecting them as vile creatures driven by uncontrollable Rage, Lust, and the Hunger for human flesh. Book 1 of Postmortem Anomalies, a complete trilogy.

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

Got ice cream “for the kids”, ate 85% of it by myself over the course of 3.5 days. That is all.

#DadLife

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

I can’t be the only one who thinks the Super Why theme song sounds like a bland, slowly-escaping fart.

#DadLife

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

Being a father, I’ve had the privilege of introducing my kids to the crushing, chaotic disappointment of playing Mario Party. I like to think of it as a metaphor for life, and therefore a teaching moment.

#DadLife

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

When they make an off-hand, vague reference to Wakanda on #Runaways

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

Don’t forget... you’re the shit 👉👉😎

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

You Got Served (2004)
Director: Chris Stokes
Cinematographer: David Hennings

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

What do you call a party bus equipped with a stripper pole?

A mobile thot-spot.

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

Parenting in a nutshell #DadLife

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

All the kids out there reading the synopsis once their parents tell them Back to the Future is a really good movie they should check out

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

Eighth Circle of Hell: Making your kids eat what they order at a restaurant.

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

Next Level Strategy: Holding out on telling the donut lady you want donut holes cuz she might give you some for free.

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

To get some extra funds, I just applied as a Delivery Driver at the Pizza Hut I worked at 10 years ago #TotalRegression

[Josiah Upton @JosiahUpton]

Sometimes living #DadLife is more fun than it should be.

https://t.co/Yz7ZAzalts