Kelly Collette

Stand up comedian (DryBar, CMT, SF Sketchfest, Limestone, Sirius XM, NPR) I'm not famous but my friends are.

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

I love when you hand a dog a treat and they are like, thanks, I'll be having this in the other room. Excuse me.

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

I don’t care what yall bishes are fighting about can I have healthcare please

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

I’ve created an OF account for my top fans to sit in on my writing sessions and behind the scenes of comedy. My special is being taped in Chicago on Monday! Please come out :)

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@A_holeArmy @nottjmiller @RMGJLR Thank you!

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@elonmusk trying to find a statement from you and your mouth saying it wasn’t a Hitler salute. Only you know your intentions. Right?

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir They won’t answer their phone or call me

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir How many people are on the team?

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir can you dm me back please ?

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir Why can’t I call the baggage services or lost and found?

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@earth_pd @AmericanAir Same I know exactly where my item was lost and they are like don’t call us we will call you

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir But when I messaged lost and found from airplanes they say they don’t do bags

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir no one is responding to me for my request for a real # for American Airlines in Miami

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir No one is answering my dm

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir no one will contact me about my missing bag

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir my backpack was left on a flight last night and the cleaning staff didn’t find it (it was under the seat) so the plane flew back to Miami and I’m hoping that crew found it, but no one will give me their CORRECT #
I emailed aa lost and found

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir You gave me a non working #

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

@AmericanAir can I please have the # for baggage department at Miami airport? It’s impossible to find and I’m in another city so I can’t do the recommend “go to the desk” and no one at customer service will help me contact them about my missing bag. And yes I filed a lost ticket.

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

Be considerate today. Remember, if your dogs are afraid of fireworks, take them inside, to my house.

Please.

Bring me dogs.

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

I’m headlining the Liberty Funnybone on Sunday! Tickets 🎫
https://t.co/zyeU7A6XTq

[Kelly Collette @KellyCollette]

Career advice I just gave someone:

Hey if you change cum rag to cum towel you might get a better laugh it’s just more clear