Kevin Nealon

Passive Aggressor

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

When my son was 10, he recognized that I was an older father and he was not happy about that, and I never considered that.

I walked into his bedroom one night, I could tell he'd been crying, puffy eyes, tears stained cheek. And I go, what's going on, buddy? Because I don't know his name. I’m never home.

My son said, I've just been thinking, I'm 10 now and you're 63. When I'm 20. You're gonna be 73. When I'm 30. You'll be 83. You won’t be around for a lot of my life. I said. Buddy buddy, buddy. What's his fucking name. I said I’ll be around for a long time. Don't you worry about that.

I'll be around when you graduate. I'll be around when you get married, when you have kids, I’ll be around for all that stuff. You just gotta make it happen in the next four years. Otherwise, yeah, you're probably right. I won't be around. He said, no, I'm serious. Dad.

Dad? he doesn't know my name either.

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

Horses don't know they're acting. They 100% believe they live in the Wild West.

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

I only read with my peripheral vision

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

@adhdmode_ Dude it was Ryan Reynolds at Harvey's

[Brad Tatner @adhdmode_]

In Canada I heard someone argue that it’s “Jay Zed.” No. It’s Jay-Z.

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

My grandfather lived to be in his late 90s. Know what killed him? 98

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

Life Lessons:
Don't wear a red shirt at Target
Always apply sunblock before your spray tan
The cream rises to the top but so do dead fish

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

I have poor posture because I have a fear of heights and helicopter blades

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

I overheard on a blind date: 'So, do you know any more magic tricks?'

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

I bet there are lots of speed bumps in front of the Braille Institute

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

Breaking News:
A New Jersey landfill was found to be 49% discarded gluten.

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

The next Spider-Man movie should be set in the desert. You know, because there’s nothing to swing from. So he’d just be Spider-Man, walking around.

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

If someone is lying face down on a hammock they must be dead

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

It’s difficult to believe, but Jesus would’ve been 2026 years old today

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

Diarrhea symptoms? You may have the diarrhea virus.

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

Some guy broke into our house

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

Hi, I’m Kevin Nealon. How are things? Good? Good to hear. Small talk complete. Moving on to self-promotion.

[Kevin Nealon @kevin_nealon]

Sony PlayStation how dare you