M. Smith

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

His face looks like the best chair: So there’s this really hot kid in my creative writing class. And everyone knows I like him.

But one day, he walked in looking like a freaking GQ model, and I accidentally out loud whispered “Shit, his face looks like the best chair” and the girl who sits in front of me turned around and said “WTH, that’s freaky and gross” and she moved her seat.

She gives me weird looks every time she sees me now.

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

Skull lover: So I was sitting at a lecture when I feel like being stared at, and in the corner of my eye I see this really handsome guy, who’s literally just staring at me. I don’t think much of it and continue to listen to the professor. After the lecture the guy comes up to me, and lays his hand on head and I’m like “eeeehm, what are you doing” and he stares me dead in the eyes and says “I’ve never seen such a gorgeous skull” and then he turns around and leaves.

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

Radio Broken
A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day
an Old Indian went up to the director and said,
“Tomorrow rain.”
The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up
to the director and said, “Tomorrow storm.” The next
day there was a hailstorm.
“This Indian is incredible,” said the director.
He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the
weather. However, after several successful predictions,
the old Indian didn’t show up for two weeks. Finally the
director sent for him.
“I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,” said the
director, “and I’m depending on you. What will the
weather be like?”
The Indian shrugged his shoulders. “Don’t know,” he
said. “Radio is broken.”

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

Boat troubles
During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her
new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform,
travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever
no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly,
she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the
local marina in hopes that someone there could identify
her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to
the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the
boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the
water to check underneath the boat for problems.
Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking
on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still
strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

He drew it all himself
Teacher: Who helped you to draw this map, Jack?
Jack: Nobody, sir.
Teacher: Didn’t your brother help you?
Jack: No, sir. He drew it all himseil.

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

Amusing Married Men Only Story
Will and Guy have no information as to the veracity
about this funny tale from the USA.
Apparently in a small town somewhere in the USA
there is a large factory that will only recruit married
men. One of the local women, one Brenda Davy, a
feisty young lady, was angry about this and
demanded to speak to the manager to find out why.
Brenda demanded to know, 'Why is it you limit your
employees to married men? Is it because you think
women are weak, dumb, cantankerous.......or what?'
'Not at all, Ma'am,' the Factory Manager replied. 'It
is because our employees are used to obeying
orders, are accustomed to being shoved around,
know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout
when I yell at them.'

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

Lunch
There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy,
who were construction workers working on top of a
building. It was lunch time and the Irishman opened
his lunch pail, finding cabbage and beef. "If I get
one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna
jump off of this building," he says. Then the
Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito. "If
I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off
this building," he says. The blond man opens his
lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich. "If I get
one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of
this building." The next day the Irishman opened his
lunch pail and found cabbage and beef, so he
jumped off the building to his death. Next, the
Mexican opened his lunch pail, and upon finding a
burrito he jumped off as well. Finally, the blond guy
opened his lunch pail and found a bologna
sandwich. He too jumped off the building. The next
day at their funeral the Irishman's wife said, "If only
I knew that he didn't like cabbage and beef, I would
surely have packed him something else." The
Mexican's wife said, "If only I knew he didn't like
burritos, I would have packed something else."
Finally, the blonde man's wife spoke. "I don't know
what his problem was. He packed his own lunch."

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

6. A Cow Grazing
Artist : "That, sir, is a cow grazing"
Visitor : "Where is the grass ?"
Artist : "The cow has eaten it"
Visitor : "But where is the cow ?"
Artist : "You don't suppose she'd be fool enough to
stay there after she'd eaten all the grass, do you ?"

7. Let's Work Together
"Can you tell me how to get to the post office ?"
"That's just where I want to go. Let's work together.
You go south, and I'll go north, and we'll report
progress every time we meet"

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

FUNNY SIGNS
Sign over a gynaecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at
your cervix."
At a military hospital door to endoscopy: "To
expedite your visit, please back in"
On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your
husband fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza
makes one weak."
At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to
your next blowout."
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello.
Can we pick your nose?"
At a towing company: "We don't charge an
arm and a leg. We want tows."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your
shorts."
In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we
will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see
what you're looking for, you've come to the right
place."
In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all
heels."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is
expensive.
Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment
necessary.We hear you coming."
In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5
minutes.Sit! Stay!"
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you
don't, you will be."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there
and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive
carefully.We'll wait"
At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven
for little grills.

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

SHE DISGUISED HERSELF TO JOINT THE
ARMY
One evening during a poker game, a man was
bragging to his friends about how his sister
disguised herself as a man and was able to join the
army.
"But, wait a minute," said one listener. "Your
sister will have to dress with the boys and shower
with them, too. Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?" asked another
poker player.
The first man shrugged his shoulders and
replied, "Sure. But who is gonna tell?"

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

THE POLITICIANS AND A FARMER
A bus load of politicians were driving down a
country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the
road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer after seeing what happened went
over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole
and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the local sheriff came out,
saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer,
"Were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer replied,
"Well, some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them politicians lie."

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

THE PREACHER’S LAST REQUEST
An old preacher was dying. He sent a
message for his banker and his lawyer, both church
members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to
his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher
held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on
each side of the bed. The
preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly,
smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one
said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and
flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with
him during his final moments. They were also
puzzled. The preacher had never given them any
indication that he particularly liked either of them.
They both
remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons
about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior
that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker asked, "Preacher, why
did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength
and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two
thieves, and that's how I want to go."

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

PRIEST AND THE DOORBELL
A priest is walking down the street one day
when he notices a small boy trying to press a
doorbell on a house across the street. However, the
doorbell is just out of his reach.
After watching the boy's efforts for some
time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind
the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the
child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a
ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest
smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my
little man?"
The boy turns and yells, "NOW WE RUN!"

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

UGLY BABY
A woman gets on a bus holding a baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby
I've ever seen."
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into
the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of
the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she
was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The
bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a
public servant and shouldn't say things to insult
passengers."
"You're right" she said. "I think I'll go back
up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea" the man said. "Here, let
me hold your monkey."

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

The doctor asked the expectant father to try out a
machine he had invented that transferred labour
pains from the mother to the father. Billy agreed and
the machine was set up. But although it was set to its
highest setting, Billy felt not
a twinge.
Later that day he went home to pick up a few
items his wife wanted and discovered the milkman
lying on his door step groaning in pain.

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

Two campers are going through the woods when a black bear suddenly appears in the clearing in front of them about fifty meter.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.

""I don’t need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you."

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

The most beautiful thing about learning is that no one takes that away from you.

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together. – Woodrow Wilson

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

Where there is a will, there is a way. – Pauline Kael

[M. Smith @KiloKing]

The Motivational Potato (Part 2):Why did the potato become a life coach? It wanted to inspire others to dig deep and unearth their true potential!