KiltedHavok

eSports Yapper, Foodie, Gamer, Champion of Pajamas, Cheese Sauce Enthusiast.

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

TL;DR - The final check is being written, and I can finally ACTUALLY move on...

[TW - end of a relationship; self-harm ideation; depression; towing the line.]

I know I've had a number of conversations with people whom I hold very dear over the past...idk year and a half or so (along with my therapist, thank the gods for them) about me getting my former partner off the mortgage, getting control over my living space, etc.

I want to make something abundantly clear - this is not a means of bashing my ex fiancee, nor is it license to cause any drama. I just need to get some shit off my chest because it's been a WILD few years and, quite frankly, I feel like those of you with whom I feel close deserve a little insight into the world of Kilted.

I got engaged in November or December of 2020. During this time, I contracted a chronic illness as a result of a COVID infection known as Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT) that significantly impacted my personal and professional lives. Fast forward through a shitshow of my then fiancee and I renting a place (landlord refused to do basic mold remediation efforts when it was literally visible and leaking through the dining room ceiling), we bought a house together and closed in November of 2021. Things were great, for the most part (ignoring the typical disagreements and hurdles that couples tend to face) until it was medically determined that it wasn't reasonable, feasible, or safe for me to further a career in law enforcement due to SVT. I lost that dream in March of 2022. After a few months, and an incredible amount of support from my former partner, I got a job at the place I now work, which for a variety of reasons I will not go into detail about. I love my current job and am grateful to continue serving the community.

Approximately August of 2022, my former partner decided a future together was not feasible and we needed to go our separate ways. It was difficult at first. In certain moments I was not the person I should have been for her, and she was not the person I would have appreciated for me. Regardless, we navigated it, and she moved out November 2022.

Through my job, Spring of 2023, I met a wonderful young woman, and we dated for a couple of months. That didn't work out, and that's ok. I came to realize for a variety of reasons that it was likely largely on me because, again, another entity had license over my life and my stability (owning half of my house). We are still friendly to this day and there is no animosity borne.

Things started looking up early last year - I was in a stable career, was finally rebuilding what I lost during my months of unemployment, made progress in the online space, was able to exercise again, etc. Conversations were had, ex-fiancee expressed her interest in either me buying her out or us mutually selling the property. I understand this conversation may come from a place of privilege, please be patient with me on that front. So we crunched the numbers, we did the work, we spent who tf knows how much on lawyer fees and nonsense, hours of both our lives on top of work separated from what we really want to be doing (a.k.a living our lives) to navigate all of this nonsense.

If you've made it this far, you're probably wondering "what's the rub? Why the narrative? Why do we care," and the honest truth is I don't expect you to care, I just want to explain, that's all.

People who have been around my stream since the Mixer days will know who I'm talking about, and I want to make something abundantly clear - she is a strong, capable, compassionate person and I expect her to be left alone. This is about me, not her. She has her own battles to fight which are not mine to talk about, and we will leave it at that.

I've spent about two and a half years questioning my value. As a friend. As a partner. As a family member. As a colleague. There have been times where I've thought "fuck it, if I die I die." There have been moments where I've considered selling everything and just disappearing. There have been moments where I considered leaving just because I'm, in my bones, fucking tired. All the time. There have been moments where I've wanted nothing more than to just scream into the void and hope that someone, something, ANYTHING answers back.

Today, as I write this last check to fulfill our (amicable) agreement, I finally feel a MASSIVE weight lifted off of my shoulders. Is it scary? Absolutely. Is it uncertain? You're damn right it is. Am I going to give anything less to myself and those around me than we deserve? Hell no. I have a stable career and am comfortable, it's just a paradigm change that deserves internal reflection.

So, to those of you who have seen my inconsistency and questioned it. To those of you who have wondered why the weekly videos or the regular gaming sessions haven't happened. To those of you who have thought "damn, Kilted seems a bit off tonight..." I am sorry. I promise you it had everything to do with me, and little to nothing to do with all of you.

Today, for the first time in two and a half years, I see the light on the horizon. Not because my ex fiancee is bad, or terrible, or anything, but because I now have full control over my living space, the people with whom I communicate, and the manner of that communication. I don't have to ask permission or file invoices to fix a thing. I don't have to think about every little choice I make when it comes to my house, my home, my sanctuary. I can just...do it, if it's within my means.

So this is a very long winded way of saying I promise I am ok. I promise that I will endeavor to continue being the person I am, which involves continuous improvement along the way. And I promise that I am grateful beyond words to those of you who have stuck by my side and I've been fortunate enough to call friends, even when I wasn't the best at communicating what was going on or why I was "off."

Be good to yourselves, be good to each other, be kind to animals, be generous to the planet. Eat some water, drink some food, take the nap, read the book. I love you all immeasurably and beyond words.

All my love,

KiltedHavok ♥️

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

I fear that I might need another Scav Junk Box...It will be number six #lootgoblin

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

Did a thing to commemorate my Hawaii work trip. Dude put in WORK to make this come out clean as all hell. 10/10 would hit up Foreest at Ohana Tattoo in Waikiki again!

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

About break out PowerPoint and make another "why you should date me" presentation for funsies 😂

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

Lil streamy stream before I leave again 🥰

Arena then main game, hope to see y'all there!

https://t.co/SpNxpf1Ybw

[🥀 Audree 🥀 @DarlinSincerest]

Stream timeeee!

Gunna be running PvE with @officialsamus & @MetalGunner 🫡 wish us luck lol

https://t.co/OGxrLUQXlG

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

Live and relearning Tarkov and strimming. Fur nephew for cat tax. Purple site things 🥰

https://t.co/Kuq2PzGTZC

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

I fear that I will always be a loot goblin, and no I will not apologize for it

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

Took a nap on the couch by accident, now I can't freaking sleep. Anyways here's one of my favorite pictures from my work trip for yas 🥰

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

So...what if I was home and did a lil stream with the homies? I missed you all ❤️

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

@DarlinSincerest @CapKenty Leave slip submitted 🥰🥰

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

@DarlinSincerest In light of these specious allegations, my client will be seeking restitution in the form of Diesel’s water bowl always full and unrestricted access to the treat drawer 😂

[jezz @JezziiB]

HOT TAKE: PEOPLE WHO FEEL HOT SHOULD DECIDE THE TEMPERATURE OF A ROOM. PEOPLE WHO FEEL COLD SHOULD WEAR A SWEATER.

[🥀 Audree 🥀 @DarlinSincerest]

No one can ever convince me yearning is loser activity. Yearners rise UP.

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

@DarlinSincerest I got phantom titty pain reading this, I hope you're ok 😭

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

@nobody2relevant Sounds good brotato chip 🫡 sweet dreams, sweet prince

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

Making Playlist with chaotic names for my peeps if you even care.

Also hmu if you want one, this is fun.

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

@nobody2relevant Oooooh haven't had someone pick a starting song yet, that could be fun! Whatever you want, boo

[KiltedHavok @KiltedH]

@shhrekkyy Ahhh sweet baby Pretz 😍😍

[horse @horsetwting]

fuck you