Chebenet Maliyamungu

Ambitious Gen Z from Kapyego, Potato farmer,Aspiring politician

[Chebenet Maliyamungu @Kiptarpai]

I want to start selling my bulls directly to Nairobi. Tired of brokers!

[Chebenet Maliyamungu @Kiptarpai]

Heavy rains in Eldoret and my wife has refused to open main gate in Kiplombe.

[Chebenet Maliyamungu @Kiptarpai]

@254_icon @KiprutToo Shortcut ya kwenda nyumbani

[George T. Diano @georgediano]

Consolata Githinji was a student from a very humble background. Yet somehow, she lived a life that very few can afford. One weekend she would be in Malindi, the next in Zanzibar, Diani or Kisumu, and dining in Nairobi’s posh hotels, among other places. Some time back, I remember vividly that Shaffie Weru was fired from Homeboyz Radio for advising ladies to love themselves, because not every man is mentally stable.

He gave a very good example,, if someone facilitates your transport from Thika to Naivasha, why would you expect that he won’t demand something in return? Most of the time you’ll meet a sane person and nothing happens, but if he is unstable or a little tipsy, he can do anything to you.
Anyway, we are not justifying gender-based violence, but ladies need to love themselves and be careful.

RIP Connie.

[Chebenet Maliyamungu @Kiptarpai]

@Mwetich_G @Makiadi_ Ilyon Chemoget. Mi kwenik kewanin!

[Dipl. Ing MkenyaDaima | Bongani | Mamba | @MkenyaMzi]

Allano with all his knowledge on crypto anachill gig ya Crypto, Binance wanapea nongwe fulani hapo haina idea, tutawai penya kweli fuck Binance

[Chebenet Maliyamungu @Kiptarpai]

@Billionair1w @MeddyGuru Mbwa

[iQwatson @iQwatson]

I’m biting my tongue so hard I have like 6 elastoplast bandaids in my mouth

[Chebenet Maliyamungu @Kiptarpai]

@TumoiJNR Jeshiiiii😂😂😂😂😂

[Desert Hero 🇰🇪 🇿🇦 @TumoiJNR]

Wakili, your communication team is setting you up for failure. Take time to understand the voters of Marakwet west and how much they despise being hoodwinked with money. If you continue down this treacherous path, the incumbent will retain his seat, even on an independent ticket.

[Thirsty Kipsoiwet 🇰🇪 🇳🇱 @Makiadi_]

One of the most embarrassing moments kwa hii maisha ni ile time me and my Uncle tulipea lecture Kijana fulani wa nyumbani whom, in our heads, tuliona amepotea and had been “written off” by society.

We had summoned him hapo Club Tunnel to give him a dressing down and advice on several ways to get on the right track. The young man looked emotional, akiwa ameinamisha kichwa kwa meza, full of what we deduced was “regrets” for taking the road less traveled.

Immediately, Jomba wangu akanikanyaga mguu chini ya meza and winked at me; a special gesture niingie kwa simu and check our secret WhatsApp group where we share “intel.” Kuangalia, nikapata ameandika in Marakwet, “Kikuchus Cheptipi” (we have captured the jackal).

I started laughing inwardly, but some tears started forming in my left eye. Nikaomba waitress serviette and started wiping them away, pretending to be heartbroken and putting myself in his shoes, nikisema, “Ngwan keroti kupetsot Vijana, ama mi chi nyi mwoe kiy.” (It’s painful seeing the youth wakipotea yet nobody is saying anything.

After a while, the young man signaled the waitress using non-verbal cues tunatoka kidogo atuchungie meza. We celebrated prematurely, tukajiambia in low tones as we followed the “wayward man” anataka kutupeleka nje, away from the drunken crowd, to wail openly mbona hataki kufuata “procedure” ya maisha.

Once outside, we followed him silently, then without warning; he pulled out what looked like car keys and pressed a button; suddenly, a black Toyota Prado lit up with hazard lights.

My rickety Toyota 110, which I had used to pick up my Uncle in Syokimau, was parked just a few meters away from the fuel guzzler. Kitu ingine kama mild paralysis ikanichapa; nikajishikilia kwa drums zingine near the entrance. I nearly tipped over, but luckily my uncle held me and reassured me, “Meimkei, driver nyipo mHeshimiwa araket.” (Don’t stress yourself; the fool ni personal chauffeur wa Mkubwa.”

Kijana akaingia gari, akapiga start, then akashuka na akasema the road warrior ni yake. We were in denial, so as we pretended to circle the car, kicking the humongous tires in admiration, I secretly called my confidant who works at the border and has direct access to NTSA systems to check the vehicle’s details. He confirmed, indeed, the boy ako top 30 under 30.

We walked back into the club in silence, and for the rest of the night we drank in deep thought, questioning our lives and whether we worship the same true God of Israel.

We took turns going to the washroom kulia, kutoa hasira, na kuosha uso kwa sink kuficha emotions before returning to the table to entertain and “worship” the “big man.”

[MOSET @KeKirwa]

Kuna mzungu ashainitusi eti I went to school for 12 years to learn his mother tongue. I don't think I recovered from that.

[Chebenet Maliyamungu @Kiptarpai]

@KeKirwa 😂😂😂😂😂

[Thirsty Kipsoiwet 🇰🇪 🇳🇱 @Makiadi_]

Most Uber drivers have confessed that, after dropping off older female clients in Uptown, many of them—having reached their destination, paid for the trip, and even left a tip—still linger in the passenger seat.

Some hesitate in awkward silence, forcing the driver to beg them, “Si utaniwekea 5-star kwa app, Madam?” before leaving without uttering a word.

The more courageous ones move to the front seat, the engine still running, and lock eyes with the frustrated driver who is being chased by loan sharks.

Then, while pointing at her huge mansion and shyly holding his hand, she says in a low, bedroom voice, “Unaona naishi maisha ya utajiri bure, lakini hakuna mtu ananishughulikia!”

[Wilex GmbH 🇩🇪 @WilexGmbH]

Gerhard is Chief Operating Officer at Metair Investments Limited, a manufacturer of energy storage products and automotive components.

Everything big in East Africa's automotive industry begins with Wilex.

2/4

[Thirsty Kipsoiwet 🇰🇪 🇳🇱 @Makiadi_]

A watchman guarding five stalls in Nairobi CBD, all filled with expensive electronics, works alone; very convenient.

One day, he is approached by robbers; people he schooled with and even neighbors back in Mathare North. They casually float the idea that this time they want to “visit” him at work and pluck “something small” from his bosses.

Knowing how rough and inhuman they are in their operations, he starts sweating profusely. He nervously slips off his jacket and tosses it over the back of his ‘sina taabu’ chair.

They are seated at the counter of their local pub, watching a football match. The flamboyant thugs sit on either side of him, sandwiching him. They laugh in sync, bang on the table, and ask the waitress to bring him another half bottle of Gilbey’s, and add it to their tab.

“Acha kutense mzae, tulia!” the ringleader tells him.

The ringleader tells him; he is about to lay out an intricate plan where everyone will walk away from the crime scene with something in hand.

They tell him that, in the full glare of CCTV, they will visit him at work deep into the night and appear to be having a conversation. Then his friend—he points at him—will spray over his head from behind as he seems to engage him in a hearty conversation.

The spray will be a normal air freshener, mostly used by Deepstate to keep their environment smelling fresh, but in that brief “drama festival,” he will appear to zone out before falling off his seat as if attacked by a deadly sedative drug.

They will tie him up, drag him into one of the shops, and then proceed to clean out all five stalls before bundling everything into a waiting pickup; all in the full glare of CCTV.

“Wazungu huita hii situation win-win, my brother,” the ringleader says, patting his back.

Confused and shaken, the watchman quietly downs a shot of Gilbey’s in silence. After a moment, he slowly nods.

“Wewe ni mjanja!” the ringleader says as they laugh in unison.

A few days later, they do exactly as planned. In fact, the footage is shown on national television, and they even watch it together again in the same spot.

When the management sees what the watchman “endured” in the hands of the ruthless thugs—and how he was “dosed” with “mchele”—they sympathise with him. They give him a full week off after taking him to hospital to recuperate and recover fully.

As the waitress brings another bottle of Martell VSOP, the ringleader quietly passes him a brown envelope under the counter top. The watchman tries to open it, but one of the robbers stops him.

“Usifungue hapa… hapo ndani kuna 500K cash!”

[Chebenet Maliyamungu @Kiptarpai]

@polo_kimanii @Ibrahkiprotich Mwana wivu roho chafu

[Wilex GmbH 🇩🇪 @WilexGmbH]

Our Sales and Marketing Director, @Alfayaz11, believes that business is all about relationships — ones built on shared values rather than just transactions. This is how they last and stand the test of time.

[MOSET @KeKirwa]

In Eldoret after umepata visa, your bakules and girlfriend will accompany you to the airport to bid you farewell as you embark on a new journey. After you've left, dem wako atapelekwa sherehe kidogo and she'll end up at one of your most loyal confidants' house that night, and this is something I've seen it happening. Ndio maana me husema ukipata hiyo visa you need to end any romantic relationship you had in the country. You'll find another chic huko mbele.

[Masta @abuyamasta]

Page 32!
Happy birthday to me.