Kristan

Sometimes I say things

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

https://t.co/5QRhzFb9vi

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

I can't believe how calm she stayed throughout this whole thing.

[Netflix @netflix]

Wanna watch a really bad date?

[Seth Meyers @sethmeyers]

So many great jokes in this. Host Chelsea Peretti's 2019 Writers Guild Awards L.A. show monologue https://t.co/9Mxnj1ISSx via @YouTube

[LIZZO @lizzo]

I can’t believe I wrote this song! 🤯🙀

https://t.co/oLQKt4ta16

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

@anne_theriault My cousin and her husband combined their last names and created an entirely new last name sans hyphens. That's really going to screw with the history keepers and also neither one of then seemed to care.

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

@tragedythyme I don't know how to make people understand. My husband loves me and he didn't. The man didn't even come inside and I was frightened. Home alone, my child sleeping inside. It went against all of my safety instincts. So having it in your living room may not have solved the problem

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

@tragedythyme Husband sold a car, parked outside. I asked that he be there when people came, he couldn't be. The man who bought it came after dark. Nothing happened. I gripped my phone the whole time w/a call loaded to a friend. Husband didn't understand my anger at being put in that situation

[The Minnesota Star Tribune @StarTribune]

1/ SPECIAL REPORT: A Star Tribune examination of more than 1,000 recent sexual assault cases shows pervasive failings by law enforcement — neglecting to interview witnesses, collect crucial evidence, or conduct criminal background checks on suspects. https://t.co/DE2CJWHlPO

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

@brandicarlile #tunespeak https://t.co/omV5eMAX4F

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

@A_W_Gordon So what your saying is that I need to create accounts for my 5 and 1 year olds now just to be safe.

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

@kumailn @JimmyKimmelLive You are my favorite in in this one!

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

My kid has a sixth sense about when I've just fallen into a comfortable sleep. I know this because that's when he begins yelling, "MOMMA!"

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

Parenting is 50% wishing they'd fall asleep and 50% hoping they'll stay asleep.

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

First time my son deliberately tried to kick me was tonight. His 5th birthday is tomorrow. Fuck.

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

@AndrewGlanzer It happens way too often! Do you think the courts would take that as a reason for separation?

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

People who squeeze the toothpaste tube with the their fist at the top are MONSTERS!

[Late Night with Seth Meyers @LateNightSeth]

RETWEET and you could win this Amy Poehler signed cue card…Really! WATCH: http://t.co/9SVyewzxPj #AmyLNSMSweepstakes

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

Potty trained, pooed on the big potty and then stopped to count the turds before flushing. #perksofmotherhood

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

That awkward moment when the guy delivery my Chinese food confuses the guy delivering my groceries for the person who ordered from him.

[Kristan @Kristanmariew]

@TheLizard19 quote of the weekend: "its too loud, I can't see."