Kurt Swann

Comedy and other stuff . . .

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

I left my phone at home today but I still felt phantom vibrations in my pocket.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

@tferris Here's an excellent documentary - about fathers/sons, life, mortality, legacy - https://t.co/G0VTVXeVD8 #fivebulletfriday

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day? Maybe but if it's about noon then I'd vote for lunch.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

I was going to learn about Pokemon GO but then I decided to sit this one out and just wait for the next fad.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

I don’t answer calls from unknown. If my phone doesn’t know who they are, that's good enough for me.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

Next iOS update allows iPhone users to sign up as organ donors, probably starting with an arm and a leg.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

Now that I'm an adult I'm waiting for that moment when someone needs me to diagram a sentence.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

Coffee gives me a headache. I think it's from listening to other people talk endlessly about their favorite coffee drinks.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

Some day you’ll be able to make a fortune selling slingshots to the neighborhood kids.
#amazondrones

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

If I try to parallel park and it doesn't work? I leave the car where it is, turn on the flashers and pretend like I had an emergency.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

@byoungcomedy good vocabulary word :) I think Mr. Peanut and the Monopoly guy both wear one

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

People wearing a monocle.

Was that ever a thing?

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

It's 2016, they still give seat belt instructions. Metal clip into metal buckle? Okay, got it. Let's move on.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

Guess what. When your baseball hat says "Rebel" on the front, it probably means you're not.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

Clerk talking to customer in front of me: I'll need a manager to void the transaction.

Me talking to myself: Oh, isn't this splendid.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes . . . and have their own TED talk.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

Next time why don't we skip all the campaigns, primaries and polls. Just put the whole thing on Yelp.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

Too many lame posts about wine. #NationalWhineDay

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

I haven’t seen any drone selfies yet but I bet it won’t be long.

[Kurt Swann @KurtSwann]

Think outside the box unless you’re an 800 lb. gorilla.

At least that’s what my neighbor says and he reads lots of self-help books.