If this keeps up I might have to find a new home for all of my collection.
Genuinely speaking, I truly love Rei and Kaoru, I’ve dedicated a huge chunk of my life for them, through supporting them in events, spreading love, buying merch, creating fanworks, visiting japan to specifically attend their fan thanx event in person and even sending them a flower stand when I’m miles and miles away and many other endless things which I did with a lot of genuine love.
But if I keep giving without getting anything in return it’s kinda cruel right?
I’m not asking for much, but this new Kaoru development really got to me, I’m not a perfect person so there’s no way I can keep going when I’m barely enjoying anything.
A new Rei card? You’ll find me complaining, a new Kaoru story? I’ll be the first in line to comment about how I didn’t enjoy it.
I’ve tried looking at the positives but there’s barely any and if I keep looking forward to next time it never comes.
I worked really hard in my life, I studied endlessly, I reached a high position in my job even at my young age, and I have healthy relationships, so why is it that whenever anything new happens related to any of them my life suddenly stops and my mood is decided for the rest of the week? Why do people around me ask me if I’m ok and I can’t even tell them the reason because it’s actually ridiculous.
But thinking about it again it’s actually not ridiculous and I have every right to feel sad about it.
But I hate this version of me, I hate being very easily affected but I just can’t help it, I love them both very dearly.
I can’t look at any of this with any positivity.
This isn’t the Kaoru I loved, this selfish version of Kaoru that doesn’t care about his fans, unit, teammates, and partner, isn’t the Kaoru I’ve grown to adore all these years.
It might seem dramatic but a lot of us count on fictional characters as an escape, but at this point I seem to be counting on anything else just to escape them instead.
Realistically speaking, it’s impossible for me to let them go in a day or two, but I’ll try my best to reduce this dedication so that it doesn’t affect my life the way it does.
Sorry this is long but thank you if you read it, I’m sure it’s full of mistakes because my eyes are blurry from tears but crying is good for our mental health so I won’t deny myself this comfort🤍