Anonymous Weirdos

Things I heard my first year of college and felt the need to write down and remember

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"Okay, you're trying to tell me you don't get turned on from watching spider man porn?"
A couple I happened to walk by, talking in the café.

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

Really drunk friend standing in the middle of the street: "What the fuck are you looking at homie? You wanna fight?"
Other friend: "Dude, you're talking to a blue light."

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"I went to hold his hand and I punched him in the balls by accident."
A friend coming back from a bad first date

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"So I went to @Wegmans took a can of whipped cream off the shelf, went to the bathroom, took a shit, ate some whipped cream, and put it back. That's the kind of day I'm having."
A friend who was having a bad day?

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

“I’ve always wanted to be tased, I’d say ever since the 8th grade. Just to be able to say yo I’ve been tased.”
A guy in my Media & Society class who clearly has skewed priorities

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"You know what guys, I think i'm gonna get ordained. That'll solve everything."
A friend walking into another friends' room after his second day of classes

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"Dude I got a B on the paper I was working on the other night and I only wrote 7 out of the 10 pages. Thanks Wikipedia."
A guy who just got a B on a 10 page American Lit paper that he worked on the night before it was due

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"Guys I was in class just now and I forgot to poop this morning and I have really bad allergies right now so I sneezed and farted at the same time and everyone knew it was me but what they didn't know was that I shit myself too."
A friend announcing this to a room full of people

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"I don't need to smoke weed, I watch Pokémon."
A guy who was asked what he likes to do for fun on the weekends

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"Dude i'm telling you I don't need to be babysat tonight cause I can handle myself."
A friend who had to be carried 5 blocks after jumping off a railing onto a metal futon with no cushions on it

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"Dude, were you watching porn?"-roommate who just unlocked locked room and heard weird noises
"No, I was watching Blues Clues."-Other roommate

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"Excuse me sir, where's the nearest exit?"-friend
"Out your ass, get your head out of there, and start doing something productive with your dumbass, you got a education." -janitor
A friend the first week of first semester who got scared wandering the halls of his dorm at 2 AM

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"I had the best night ever, I didn't get drunk or hook up with her, but I pet a dog."
A friend talking about how exciting his night was

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"Are you high because you got high or did you get high because you're high?"
Someone asking the BIG questions

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"Ever since I got to college I've squatted while peeing and my butt is getting so firm."
A friend talking about not wanting to sit on public bathroom toilets cause she doesn't want STDs

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"Dude I ate dinner in saga today and it looked like a bad krabby patty."
A friend complaining to me about the "saga shits"

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"I'm not gonna say that chugging Listerine instead of studying for my final was a good move, but I was shitting blue liquid all night long and it smelled like mint. What does your shit smell like?"
A guy who decided to chug Listerine instead of studying for his final

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"So wait, you mean to tell me I've been in school for like 19 years and I have like 3 or 4 years left and then I just like work till I fucking die? What the hell, that sucks."
A friend talking to another friend about a realization he's made about his life

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"Can you get pregnant if you're gay?"
A dumb boy talking to another dumb boy about dumb things

[Anonymous Weirdos @KyleHoberman]

"Football is for pansies, I play Fortnite."
A football player relaxing in his dorm room, playing Fortnite