David Metz

guy who says 'thank you, come again' on the Simpsons

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

Fyi @MAXOKREAM @Boogie2988 and @JIDsv were the best rappers of 2018. Great albums, start to finish. Frankly, you’re an idiot if you didn’t listen to them.

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

I think we can all agree: pedophiles are the worst people on the earth. The second worst? People who refer to pedophiles as “kiddie diddlers”. Way to let the world know that you are a potential pedo.

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

Gentrification is like a fart: if you’re complaining about it, you’re probably the one that did it.

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

Huh, @LawandOrderSVU1 has become incredibly preachy for a show that cast @MikeTyson as a rape victim 3 years ago.

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

The moment I have a life I actually want, somebody steals my identity.

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

OMG, I just remembered that time when George W Bush puked in the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister! I feel like we breezed by that too quickly as a country and failed to take a moment and enjoy how utterly hilarious that was. Stop and smell the roses #treatyoself

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

Swell fellow:

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

My Russian wife is really going to hate this

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

“23 and me” is what Michael Jordan’s kids used to call their custody visits.

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

I’m pretty sure if you told Iceberg Slim that improvisers pay to do shows and sometimes “intern” as wait staff, he would be like “holy shit, Improv has reinvented the pimp game! I was an amateur this whole time”

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

I have no respect for any sworn officer of any police force anywhere. My wife on the other hand once called the police on an episode of Narcos I left playing on an iPad.

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

An all-female cover band of Bone Thugs N Harmony, called That Time of the Month.

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

@MayorOfFartTown should change your handle to “Mayor of Shart Town”

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

We’re going to fire people for their tweets but Anthony Anderson still has a career?

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

If you ever want to feel stupid, might I recommend losing your keys within 200 feet of your home.

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

I like that Madden runs the scores of other fake games at the bottom of the screen while you’re playing, but it’s not quite authentic enough for me. I’d also like to see fake news updates like fake mass shootings or firings of fake executives for using slurs on Twitter.

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

Attn bikers: If you ride your bike on the sidewalk when I’m out pushing my daughter in her stroller, you will catch a bow. You cut my car off by biking in the middle lane, I will peg you with an empty Gatorade. I don’t care if you’re 13, we have community standards in Chicago!

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

I don’t know how you could be a hip-hop nerd and not be listening to #TheRealness

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

Saw a sign in Petersburg, Kentucky that said “No skateboarding on the freeway”. Really makes you think: Some communities will go to any length to ignore their crippling heroin problem.

[David Metz @Lake_Superior]

@summeranne But if she says she wasn’t abused aren’t we supposed to #believewomen? Also don’t make this person, very cheap and unbecoming tactic.