ѕнαηт

| Ironic Satire |

[zawg @lostzawg]

if hypothetically you saw in the world records book that the guy with the "worlds smallest dick" actually had a longer dick than you, would you keep it a secret or would you air it out to one-up him

[hexal @imhexal_]

battle mage

[Ælþemplær @Aelthemplaer]

Oh lord I can't unsee it.

[Math Rock @MathRockSucked]

Game is EoS and we discover literal flying

[vibrations @v1b3z06]

Ironman’s kinda wild cuz imagine you turn on the news and the CEO of Lockheed Martin just destroyed ISIS in 2 days

[marqix ☆ @fwmarqix]

My Wi-Fi name has been "The Promised LAN" for three years.

I thought it was funny. My wife rolled her eyes. Standard.

Last month, my neighbor Doug knocked on my door.

Doug: We need to talk.

Me: About what?

Doug: Your Wi-Fi name.

Me: What about it?

Doug: I've been using that name for five years.

Me: No you haven't.

Doug: Yes I have. Check your networks.

I checked.

There were two networks.

"The Promised LAN" - mine.

"The Promised LAN 2" - his.

Me: You added a 2.

Doug: Because you stole my name!

Me: I've had this name for three years.

Doug: I've had it for five.

Me: Then why does yours say 2?

Doug: Because you took the original!

This was going nowhere.

Me: I'm not changing it.

Doug: Neither am I.

He left.

The next day, I saw a new network.

"The Promised LAN is a Thief."

I changed mine to "Doug Has No Originality."

He changed his to "Thompson Steals Wi-Fi Names."

I changed mine to "Doug's Network is Slower."

This went on for two weeks.

My wife: This is childish.

Me: He started it.

My wife: You're both acting like children.

Yesterday, Doug knocked again.

Doug: Truce?

Me: Truce.

Doug: I'll change mine if you change yours.

Me: Deal.

I changed mine to "Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi."

Doug changed his to "Hide Yo Kids Hide Yo Wi-Fi."

We're good now.

But I'm keeping an eye on him.

[Marvel Rivals Intel @RivalsAssembled]

The biggest update yet

Via/PillowFists67

[VillainVS now serving 11/12 @JAPversus]

I've been doing this for years

[𝕭𝖊𝖓𝖓𝖎𝖊✨ @Bennieeexyz]

Jury duty letter came addressed to my cat.

Not a mistake. "Felix Martinez" - that's his full name according to his vet records.

My last name. His first name. Somehow he's a registered voter now.

Called the county clerk.

Me: My cat got summoned for jury duty.

Clerk: Is the name correct on the summons?

Me: Yes, but he's a cat.

Clerk: Is Felix Martinez a legal resident of this county?

Me: He's a legal cat.

Clerk: Sir, if the name matches our records, he needs to appear or file an exemption.

Me: He can't file anything. He has paws.

Clerk: You can file on his behalf.

Me: Under what exemption? There's no box for "is a cat."

Clerk: (pause) Check "unable to serve due to medical reasons."

Me: What's the medical reason?

Clerk: He's a cat.

Me: That's not a medical condition.

Clerk: It is if it prevents him from serving.

Sent in the form. Got rejected two weeks later.

"Insufficient documentation. Please provide medical professional's statement."

Took the letter to my vet.

Me: I need you to write that my cat can't do jury duty.

Vet: Why is your cat summoned for jury duty?

Me: Excellent question. No good answer.

Vet: This is the weirdest request I've gotten.

Me: Can you just write that he's medically unfit to serve?

Vet: On what grounds?

Me: He's a cat.

Vet: (started typing) "Patient is unable to serve due to species-related limitations including inability to speak, read, or comprehend legal proceedings."

Me: Perfect.

Sent it in. Got another rejection.

"Summons is mandatory. Failure to appear will result in contempt of court."

My roommate thought this was hilarious.

Roommate: Felix is going to jail.

Me: This is serious.

Roommate: Bring him to court. See what happens.

Decided that was actually the only option left.

Day of jury duty, put Felix in his carrier. Brought the entire paper trail of rejection letters.

Checked in at the courthouse.

Clerk: Name?

Me: Felix Martinez.

Clerk: (looked at the cat carrier) Is that Felix?

Me: Yes.

Clerk: (long stare) He's a cat.

Me: I've been saying that for six weeks.

Clerk: Why didn't you file an exemption?

Me: I filed three. All rejected.

Showed her the letters. She read through them, expression shifting from confusion to disbelief.

Clerk: Someone rejected the veterinary documentation?

Me: Twice.

Clerk: (called her supervisor over) You need to see this.

Supervisor read everything. Looked at Felix. Looked at me.

Supervisor: How did a cat get registered to vote?

Me: You tell me.

Supervisor: This is a data error.

Me: Took you six weeks to figure that out.

They dismissed Felix immediately. Apologized for the inconvenience.

Supervisor: We'll remove him from the voter registry.

Me: Appreciate it.

Supervisor: (pause) Out of curiosity, how would he have voted?

Me: Probably whatever party supports universal treats.

Got a formal apology letter a week later and a voter registration card.

For me this time. Apparently I wasn't registered, but my cat was.

Roommate: Felix committed voter fraud.

Me: Felix committed nothing. He's innocent.

Roommate: That's what they all say.

Felix is sleeping on the jury summons now.

Fitting end to his legal career.

[honz ✨ @CH0PPENHEIMER]

THEY ARE NOW MATCHING!!

[cora @coraxpbs]

this is genuinely hilarious

[Crispy T 🔥 @CrispyTesticles]

ultron you have to stop, your smoke too tough, your swag too different, your bitch too bad, they'll kill you.

[Prim @OnlyPrim7]

Fun fact.
This is canon to destiny lore.
Guardians organised dance party to confuse the cabal

[TDTweets @productions_tdt]

Im at 30 HP heal me damn it

[WORLD CULTURE 🌐 @pedestrian]

Every single painting he drops is an instant classic

[Steve Dolan @crazystevied]

I was the on site Bungie representative for this shoot. It was so freaking cool to see the emotes come to life.

So much dance talent in one place. I could have watched the titan popper all night.

[Foo @DatOneBrownFoo]

It looks like Spider-Man clapped to tag her in

[Pepsi @pepsi]

You’re being left on read. I’m in their hand. We are not the same.

[Sloth @OzymandiasWorX]

Norman and fucking Cyke being the only ones to figure out Peter was possessed by Otto, cause why not

[S🤭ck B🤭y @CanadianSockBro]

14 year old me said "Wow I wish I could see Ellen Page's tits" and the monkeys paw slowly curled one finger