Laura Mascilak

Profession: Accountant. Favorite time of day: Lunch. Angle: Enjoy life to its fullest through laughter while keeping that 8-pack. Jury's still out...

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

Yes, I'd like to report a problem.

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

You ever see someone pat down on their desk & paperwork looking for a pen? That was me today at work.

Distressed co-worker: "Someone get that woman a pen! She's disturbing the peace."

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

I don’t think it would hurt if Tucker Carlson spent as much time being concerned about kids wearing masks as he did adults not wearing them when they’re not able to be physically distanced. Just sayin’ :-)
#StillLivingDuringApandemic

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

Today my co-worker needed to print something to a printer we share. When he asked me if it was okay if he printed a check to it, I said, “Yeah – but I betcha can’t print just one.”

#Lay’sBaby

[Paula Poundstone @paulapoundstone]

Dear @Quaker, I enjpy eating your oats, and I have my whole life. I'm wondering if you really need the plastic part of the container, though. It's not like the oats are struggling to get out. Given the damage plastic does to our world, could you change your packaging?

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

*Humane society donation letter*

Sorry: I'm not buying their President's name.

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

My parents are reaching the age where they ask me things like, "Do you see rings around other cars' headlights when you drive at night?"

"No, Mom. I don't see rings. Do YOU?" 😟

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

You know ever since Jeopardy! started having celebrity guest hosts, I’ve been tuning in to see them. I could care less about “Bodies of Water for $200.”

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

They say, “You miss a hundred percent of the shots you don’t take." And if you’re not even out on the court, you also miss the potential to miss or make. Don't be a SITTER!!

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

You know, not all Accountants are anal retentive. I’m just retentive.

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

In honor of Good Friday, I've tracked down an advertisement from Jesus' days as a carpenter:

"Hire Jesus today for all of your carpentry needs!
He'll get the job done right the first time around (or the second coming)."

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

Today, one million more Massachusetts residents became eligible to sign up for the vaccine on the state's website. It soon crashed, leading Governor Baker to say, "My hair's on fire about the whole thing." Well folks, the phrase, "crash and burn" has never been more fitting.

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

Everyone: I think my Twitter account has been hacked. I did NOT tweet about Ray Ban sunglasses. DO NOT click on anything about it. I fear it is not safe. And you should have sensed it was not me: I would have been making fun of the sunglasses somehow, not promoting them.

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

Well folks, it's the first of the month and you all know what that means: It's time to hunt through the fridge and check the dates on all of your condiments, eggs, meat, cheese, yogurt, Ensure shakes...

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

This Just Announced! Benjamin Moore's 2020 Color of the Year is the light and lively "First Light" color! While bright & crisp, sadly we are finding it promotes poor posture smartphone use in toddlers.

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

I believe in honesty so here's my Mount Washington bumper sticker:

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

Poor woman: If she didn't have to spend time keeping spiders out of her home, she could have finished painting all of her toenails.

[Picture courtesy of https://t.co/IIrCR1pxVB]

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

As I'm sure you are aware, NY gubernatorial candidate Cynthia Nixon recently made headlines for ordering a cinnamon raisin bagel w/ cream cheese, lox, tomatoes, red onion and capers at a deli.

Many have expressed their disgust at the combo. My reaction was, "She's running?"

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

To the person who has been fraudulently using my https://t.co/4PAHU8MQQ3 account to purchase books: I am glad you are reading, but have does the word "library" mean anything to you?

[Laura Mascilak @LauraMascilak]

They're having a window sale.