Laz Kite

Comedian, Dreamer, Optimist, Creative, Other.

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

DENPLAN LAUNCH AT TOOTH-HURTY.

#dillianwhyte #tysonfury #dillianwhytetooth #heavyweightfilling

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

Just posted a photo @ London, United Kingdom https://t.co/xo3Rj0JXWc

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

People trafficker kicked out of UK for third time after being discovered in London…

You can’t say he’s not good at his job.

#headlines #news #oneliners

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

Just posted a photo @ London, United Kingdom https://t.co/5qB2iKcbHh

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

This week Texas tightened restrictions on abortions laws in the same week they loosened gun laws...

Their arguement is that they’re still giving the single mother’s an easy way out.

#TexasAbortionBan #Texas #abortion

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

London Pride cancelled for second year due to Covid fears… Presumably because the LGBTQ+ community are less likely to beat their partners if they don’t get what they want.

🏳️‍🌈<⚽️

#Euroineditfortherestofus.

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

Ringo Starr drops trademark court case over “Ring O” sex toys.

After realising his name was now after 60 years finally synonymous with a steady rythmn.

#RingoStarr #ringorythmns #news #TheBeatles #comedy #oneliners

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

One of Britain's rarest butterflies saved from the brink of extinction.

Conservationists accused of winging it.

#wingingit #news #bbcnews #jokes #oneliners #newsjack @NewsjackBBC

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

Thailand welcomes first quarantine-free tourists.

About 250 tourists are expected to arrive on the island of Phuket.

#phuketletsparty #fuckit #comedy #oneliners #news #headlines

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

Just posted a photo @ The Camden Eye https://t.co/lRzjwbgHis

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

Orphaned lambs in woolly jumpers warm hearts…

This is the story of Australian farmer Tracey Kruger who spread joy with pictures of her rescue lambs in colourful outfits.

Presumably the lambs were unaware that they were wearing mum and dad.

#lambnotbeef #comedy #Australia

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

Deliveroo couriers can train to spot crimes.

While skipping three red lights and hitting a neighbourhood cat.

#columboclubsandwich #comedy #oneliners

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

@elonmusk 💦 Ripple to the moon 🌝

[The Comedy Store @TheComedyStore]

Wishing everyone Positive Energy on Brody Stevens birthday! Brody was in the Hangover, cut from Funny People. He was the drummer for the infamous Barris/Kennedy + Overdrive, always using chairs as his instrument.

#yougotit #applecidervinegar

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

@elonmusk Every time he changes his password, he has a child to remember it!

X Ash A Twelve!
Strong !

He thinks modern

But to a man from Norfolk, it just triggers PTSD of driving back from a rave with an Ex and a taste of ash in my mouth on the A12 between Diss and Norwich.

[Daily Comedy Writing Prompt @ComedyPrompt]

How do you come up with passwords?

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

@ComedyPrompt @elonmusk Every time he changes his password, he has a child to remember it!

X Ash A Twelve!
Strong !

He thinks modern

But to a man from Norfolk, it just triggers PTSD of driving back from a rave with an Ex and a taste of ash in my mouth on the A12 between Diss and Norwich.

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

Spare a thought for those who have you falling off your chairs pre pandemic. Value those belly laughs and donate today!

[Live Comedy Association (LCA) @LiveComedyUK]

It's time to #SaveLiveComedy - by helping those that make it happen.

The #SaveLiveComedy Fund is supporting those most in need across the industry. With your help, we can make sure that nobody is forced out of the comedy industry.

Donate now: https://t.co/EOWiL7t9EK

[Mark Watson, still here but very much also Bluesky @watsoncomedian]

I am not going to claim money from this so I don’t feel bad asking you to share it/help. Lots and lots of people in comedy are less lucky than me and have had a ruinous year.

[Comedy Virgins @ComedyVirgins]

Fab show AGAIN last night! 🤩 Thanks to everyone who performed, the zoom guests, the voters on fb & those who donated... Congrats to our #minigoldplastictrophy winner @thisisdomedy 🏆🌹
Next show Mon 29th at https://t.co/v4bxXwA3bj at 7pm... With headliner @thatlaurasmyth! 😍💋

[Laz Kite @LazKite]

Well, I’m shattered. Thanks for all the MILF heavy content guys. #happymothersday #milfs