TheMotherOctopus

Word slinger. Content creator. Rep’d by @FolioLiterary. Contrib at @scarymommy, @businessinsider, @momdotcom among others.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

Sneaking out of my kid’s room after they fall asleep would be a lot easier if my bones didn’t sound like 500 mouse traps going off when I stand up.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

You’re flirting with him in his DM and I’m absolutely terrifying him in his texts. We are not the same.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

I want friends but I also want everyone to stay away from me.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

My family the day after we host a big party: “Who’s going to eat all these leftovers?”

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

When I say “I got that dawg in me” I mean the kid of dog that sleeps for 19 hours a day.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

Happy Day 2 of The Real Housewives of America to all who celebrate!

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

@mad_hill Yup.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

Costco is a great place to go if you love having an infinite amount of people in your way at all times.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

Do you ever just sit and think to yourself, OMG WHAT THE FUCK?

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

I just want $300 million dollars and a man who looks at me the way I look at a blooming onion.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

In my PAYING ALL THESE BILLS era.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

@Austin_Williams Nailed it!

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

I’m no relationship expert but I’m pretty sure the secret to a happy love life is flashing each other whenever possible.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

@Austin_Williams 🙌🙌🙌

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

@Austin_Williams 😍😍

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

@Austin_Williams 🦥🦥

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

I’m playing this new game every day called “Am I dying or is this perimenopause?” It’s so fun.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

@SarahHosseiniUS Never apologize for good curl days.

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

When your kids are 6 years old:
“Please get into the shower.
Please get into the shower.
Please get into the shower.”

When your kids are 16 years old:
“Please get out of the shower.
Please get out of the shower.
Please get out of the shower.”

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

Waiter: “Would you like a side salad to go with that?”

Me: “Do you guys have side cake?”

[TheMotherOctopus @LeMotherOctopus]

You either treasure reusable takeout containers or you’d rather have your genitals frozen off before you save one. There’s no middle ground.