Le Pants King

Follow me, my friends, to the Traveling Spectacular. Vintage by day, memes by night. Owner: Vivant Vintage

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

Everyone should wear name tags. All of the time. Stop beating around the bush.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

I’m sorry, it’s true- I’ve been reposting your reposts without credited you for reposting them first.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

Damn my screen protector came off last week, and last night my case fell apart,so my phone is naked. The way god intended.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

@JoeBiden But also all mask mandates are listed.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

The guys from oasis should’ve had a guest appearance on shameless. It only makes sense.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

No one wants your mink coat.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

I’m glad I waited to have children until the iPhone was waterproof.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

Saying “thank you so much” to signal the Uber driver to stop at your house.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

Everyone knees I let autocorrect to the heavy lifting.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

[2:00am]
Wife: Babe you’re in the middle of the bed, can you move over?
Me, dead asleep: There’s two people, one bed, babe.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

The infant clothing department at target is absolute chaos.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

Midwife: newborns like a light spanking.
Me: don’t we all.
Midwife: ...
Me: ...
Midwife: ... It soothes them.
Me: Same.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

Either way you’re getting drawn on with markers.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

Update: the mole on my newborn son’s ear has migrated to his foot. It was a ball on bandaid sticky.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

Your sleep schedule has been deleted. Cannot find file.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

Officially a mother fucker

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

Hitting the weed vape while everyone’s distracted by the contractions.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever napped on a 16” wide pad with a mask on while your wife is in labor?

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

I’m here for the hospital socks.

[Le Pants King @LePantsKing]

You’d better time your jokes between contractions...