leeevans

Work,gym,mma,xbox and sleep

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

You know you're on your period when you go to sleep on white sheets and wake up on the flag of Japan

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

I opened my advent calendar today and I didn't know Tom Daley was gonna come out

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

@pudborn66 been busy dude I will be back

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

My wife is a right fucking witch.

But at least she makes a good brew.

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

Lots of people are shit at counting calories.

And they have the figures to prove it.

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

My wife loves to spoon in bed.

Usually Ben and Jerrys.

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

The clock in our living stopped the exact moment my wife died.

Mainly because I smashed her over the head with it.

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

I wouldn't say my wife was fat, but when she went missing, we phoned round the local takeaways.

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

My girlfriend used to smoke after sex.

So we started using lubricant

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

My son's been kicked out of school because he can't spell.

They don't fuck about at Hogwarts.

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

I play triangle in a reggae band...

I stand at the back and ting.

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

I heard the one thing I didn't want to hear whilst having sex last night.

My wife's key in the front door.

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

My sandal business as gone bust.

It was a flipping flop.

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

If you get nervous on your first day as an erotic photographer, just picture them naked

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

"Size isn't important," said my wife. "If I wanted a massive cock ripping me to pieces every night I would have married your brother."

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

If I threw glitter over David Cameron would that count as a vagazzle?

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

I've just been watching porn on my new iPad.

Most fun I've had on a tablet since I went to see The Prodigy in 1996.

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

My wife always complains I don't do enough housework but it's complete bollocks I always lift my legs so she can do the hoovering...

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

I walked 25 miles today so I could try and lose some excess weight.

Didn't work though, she kept up with me the whole fucking way.

[leeevans @LeeEvans77]

My geeky Star Trek roommate asked me to get him a bottle of coke with his name on.

I didn't know they still sold Virgin Cola.