Lenssaji

hallo i retwt random shit

[Dylan @KarasMaii]

Not just another empty Promise

So I'd like to apologize, and this is the part where everyone who's kept up with me rolls their eyes and continues scrolling. But I'm doing something I've never done before.

I'm currently on meds and I'm going to therapy. I've spent my entire life certain that no one truly needs medication or therapy, that they simply lack discipline (grew up in a hispanic household cause my mom's full mexican). But I also spent my entire life ruining every friendship/relationship I've ever had (While also being in the delusion it was always their fault never mine), having outbursts and being someone who isn't myself, Ultimately having some days where I just lacked that control. That on top of the fact that I couldn't walk down a block with the idea of people looking at me or thinking about me, I hated eye contact or just feared any kind of human contact.

I always denounced therapy (not sure why possibly my narcissism that lead me to think I know more?) but I have tried medication before, Trazadone. Which really put me off the idea of ever going back onto anything cause I was just somebody else, You know I had my fears and I had my horrible days but atleast I could somewhat feel real, on this medication I just couldn't so I stayed away for awhile.

But after recent events in my life I just have this non-stop feeling of self hatred and everlasting anxiety with paranoia making it impossible to eat or sleep or exist really, My outbursts and bad days are as uncontrollable as ever so I knew it was time to stop fighting this idea that I don't need help. You would think after all the people I've lost, all the friendships I've lost, I would've learned earlier? Really sucks it took me 26 years to finally be a mature person and realize It's not okay to just allow things to go on and always try to justify it, I have a lot of really deep regret and all I can truly say is sorry.

A lot of my problems right now are so beyond me I can’t do it alone, I tried and always feared the feeling of feeling weak for considering the idea but now I realize weakness is denial. I can never take back any of the things I've said or done but I can assure that it will never happen again, And this time I'm actually making that change. In the past I tried my hardest but my effort was just more discipline and more League of Legends so you can probably see why I was in this routine of unhappiness and masking illness instead of curing it.

I can't pretend like I'm suddenly 100% now that I'm on new medication (just buspar for now for anxiety might need something stronger soon or possibly just wait longer to see if it has more effect..?) But I was able to open up to my Mom who struggles with very similar problems, and I realize a lot of my problems are likely hereditary and it made me not feel so alone(especially hearing it from her), I know like I said it was only a couple days of being on but I feel like I can breathe again. I feel like I can be myself and I can focus, I can walk down a block or go to a store with out being in fear. It's like I'm living a whole new life and I haven't even had my first therapy session yet (should be later this week). I'm so excited to go on this journey and Pilot my own life instead of just watching the days go by praying for my salvation to magically appear before me.

I have a long way to go So I probably won't be very active on social media (asides from Kayn updates and what not) But I really do appreciate all the support I've been given even when I definitely haven't deserved it, And if you're just reading this to know the best Kayn build right now try Opportunity rush into ionian boot axiom arc its peak.

<3 Karasmai

[tokkami @tokkami]

anyone else keep their food on they pc so it stays nice and warm?

[irham @nuggetkouhai]

Tired wife

[DaxerP @DaxerAivi]

I love WOMEN from Zenless Zone Zero!! #zzzero

[Naayil @NAAAYIL]

real talk for a second please

on my last day in korea, a 15yo boy from the US recognized me and his parents took pictures of us together in lolpark

in general I was recognized multiple times that day

you might say, "duh, you‘re a league creator at a league location", but I had no expectations of that ever possibly happening

but that was a literal mind altering event for me as a streamer and person

adding the insane shit that happened today in this community on top of that

where even an ignorant guy like me actually feels uncomfortable

I feel like I had a conscious awakening on another level today man, call me corny if you want to, idgaf

I really thought this drama thing was more show than reality and I kinda wish it was because

I don‘t care who‘s right or who‘s wrong, I don‘t care what happened to who, because bad shit happens every day and it doesn’t affect me and speaking on it would be only for cheap likes and my own gain anyways.

all I actually care about is the fact that, a 15 year old boy, who was so happy to see a dumbass like me in public, now possibly had to watch all of this degenerate shit online

I really hope he didn‘t see this shit man, I feel genuine shame

I‘d like to think that I‘ve improved as a person over the past few months and today that mental became even more grounded

this isn‘t some "reform" moment or becoming family friendly

its a realization that even tho words mean nothing to me, it doesn‘t mean that I should throw around shock value stuff because I feel like its appropriate or funny in the moment of heat

because words mean something to younger people and other people my age or older and as a public figure with a mostly impressionable viewer base, it is my job now to respect that boundary as well as I can

I‘m a paranoid, narcissistic dude that probably doesn‘t get enough social contact and I couldn‘t care less about what comes out of my mouth

but I will try to care about what other people have to hear from me

so I’m currently struggling to set my new streaming pc to windows 11 at 6am, but yeah, shit is crazy right now man, I am disturbed, fuck all this shit, jesus christ

[Soy Boy Games @soyboygames]

Cowboy 3030 is a new 3D roguelike shooter set in the Wild West future 🏜️

Fight alien outlaws, craft unique builds and become the ultimate gunslinger! 🤠

⬇️Wishlist on Steam⬇️
https://t.co/jidtE0yt7A

[まよ @oekaki_bibbi]

#ぼっち・ざ・ろっく
結束バンド💫

[Kαмi🪆 @tunechistark]

Naruto Vs Jjk Verse Fight, This is the best Video have seen today

[Zeon J. 🐣 @Zeon_J_]

Power Miku

[이광인 @hettangeway]

#Limbus_Company

[edelweiss @edelweiss326]

dreams

[Roamy @Roamyyyy]

WTF IS THAT ENDING

[TVアニメ「ホリミヤ -piece-」公式 @horimiya_anime]

/／
📀Blu-ray&amp;DVD
第7巻本日発売🎉
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✧萩原ダイスケ 描き下ろし全巻収納BOX

✧特典CD：HERO書き下ろしオリジナルドラマ

✧特典映像:
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special event『HALLOWEEN PARTY』(夜公演)

✧特典音声:page.12~13オーコメ
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