Ben Piper

A lady in the streets but a real freak in the bed.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

Just heard back from the mortician. I can have a window on my mausoleum but not blinds. Looks like it's curtains for me.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

James Earl 🤝Catherine Zeta 🤝Tommy Lee

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

Ever get a 12 oz drink at Starbucks? That's a tall order.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

Got a job creating Lego men. I make over six figures a year.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

@grantcohn But you practically can't get any farther from the substation!

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

If you are a dog walker looking for more business, I have a few pointers.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

I dug 3 holes and found water in each one. Well, well, well...

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

@SethMacFarlane Can't wait! Seems like a missed opportunity to call it The Naked Gun: Son of a Gun

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

When you are distracted on your phone, it sadly tells your kids they are a lower priority. I wish the lesson they learned instead was - be more interesting.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

I couldn't figure out how to use this disposable camera, but then it clicked.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

There's something frustrating about this itch on my back. I just can't put my finger on it.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

Ever try to turn shredded cheese back into a block? Degrating.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

My boss called an all-hands meeting but I didn't go because I have other parts too.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

Me: I'll take a scotch.
Bartender: Neat?
Me: Yeah, I think it's pretty cool.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

I got admitted to the hospital for overdosing on static electricity. Still haven't been discharged.

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

Shocked ancient Scandinavians be like - "What in the H-E-single hockey stick"

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

Would you rather have your pits tickled or your tits pickled?

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

The term "raw sewage" is odd. When a pipe bursts, is anyone expecting fully cooked sewage to come spilling out?

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

Me play Yahtzee? No dice!

[Ben Piper @LilBennyPiper]

What is a good male performance that leaves my wife feeling satisfied?

[Matt Barrows @mattbarrows]

Do. Not. Make. Deebo. Angry.