@sshole

I wrote a funny tweet once.

[@sshole @Lisa_Laughs_]

Why the fuck would anyone leave me in charge of my own destiny? Idiots.

[@sshole @Lisa_Laughs_]

My strengths are your weaknesses but it doesn't ever equal out.

[@sshole @Lisa_Laughs_]

I have 1 hour to get sober.
*Takes 5 tequila shots.
I got this.

[Just Bill @WilliamAder]

People should have to audition for Twitter.

[Jeff is Tall @JeffisTallguy]

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

I’m starting to think the sharks on "Shark Week" eat people just to get on tv.

[meghan @deloisivete]

My kid got overheated and said the only thing that would help was french fries, and I’m not a doctor but that sounds about right

[That bitch with the bacon tattoo @tashaneedshelp]

Surround yourself with people that will leave you the fuck alone.

[Tommy Knоckers @TomE83_]

It's beautiful when two people make love and then fall asleep in each others arms and then they get savagely mauled by bears because fuck love.

[Tony P. @Tbone7219]

I don't wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors kiddie pool.

[Dan Regan @DanRegan_Comedy]

Remember when we left the house without a phone and survived?

[Lionella 🌸 @x_zaich]

Plot twist: I don’t exist

[Jax @ehhJax]

When you needed them, where were they?

[Rock @TheCensoredRock]

hashtag cheat code

[✨L.I.N.Ä 🐼🐼🐼 @funnyaries0418]

What do you want?

-me flirting

[Bitz @bitzydimbo]

chicken pot pie are three of my favourite things.

[Barroom Hero 🦬 @UnIxphysco]

Hear me out, a smoke break but you light yourself on fire

[Suzan 🎶 @ForbesSuzan]

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce?

[Nayele18 @nayele18maybe]

Please do not invite me to your wedding, I didn’t even want to attend my own.