Stewie Griffin

Victory is mine! Bow down to me!

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

That awkward moment between birth and death.

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

I'm sorry I offended you when I called you a bitch, I honestly thought you knew

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

Can we just skip this whole “school” thing & go straight to the part where I have a really awesome job & spend all my time traveling

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

Friends are like balloons. If you stab them, they die.

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

My life is a lie

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

Normal people: i love it when my boyfriend/girlfriend tells me he/she loves me. Me: i love it when my microwave tells me my food is ready

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

Me: You hang up...Her: No, you hang up.. Me: click

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

Me: "I'm over my crush" Crush: "hey" Me: "Nevermind"

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" "Aww, you remembered my birthday!" "No, facebook told me.”

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

Our generation will make the most badass grandparents..

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

School dress code is dumb af. your shoulder can't show??? What boy is going to look at a girl & be like "DAMM THATS A FINE ASS SHOULDER"

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

Andy didn't have a dad in Toy Story because human characters were too expensive to animate.

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

RT this to fuck with peoples timeline

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[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

Never ask a black bartender for a shot.

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

If you have no sense of humor...We can't be friends.

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

For guys “bros over hoes”. For girls “chicks over dicks”. For me, it’s “whoever has my back over the fake ass people, any day”

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

DEFINITION OF "EX": Thanks for the EXperience. Our time has EXpired. Now EXit my life.

[Stewie Griffin @Lord_Stewie]

Call me constipated, cause I no longer give a shit.