Lucrae Jenkins

Sippin on an empty soup can

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

In response, I have been drafted into General Tso’s 3rd Infantry. We’re taking the fight to the Teriyakis

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

Sorry about my Twitter absence. I have been discharged from the Whale War for “going berserk without a good reason.” I guess slapping your superior officers is not tolerated by the millennial whale warriors

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

No such thing as a free lunch huh? Well, the McDouble I just snagged off the street corner begs to differ

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

Bama-Clemson? Never heard of em. But anyways, who ya got? Back in my train hopping days, the Salem Christian Templars were the football powerhouse. The team so nice, they got the death penalty twice

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

3 major keys to winning the #WhaleWar3

1. Keep it slick
2. Hit it in a minute
3. Get out of there with ya wits about ya

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

But before I get redeployed in the #WhaleWar , I must find my pet raccoon Clarence. Last seen snagging some leftover dumpster ham

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

Sounds like the Whale War is back on. Let’s ride! #keepitslick #resistgreatness

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

Dolla hot dogs make me holla #nathansfordays #resistgreatness

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

To all my globalists our there: what gives? I’m just living my best life out behind TJ Maxx with my raccoon and you decide to call animal control on me? No no

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

Best part about Thanksgiving weekend is snatching fresh pies off people’s window sills. Hello sweet potato pie

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

Was sleeping out behind Walmart. They thought I was camping out for Black Friday, and some guy tried to jack my pet raccoon. I went to war to save him. They never said it was gonna be easy

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

Woke up to my pet raccoon dropping a steamer in my cardboard living room. Sometimes it be your own

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

Friday night: Fazolis leftovers, moonshine, and a Twinkie. Let’s get this bunny bread

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

I see young bucks drafting QBs in the 3rd round of fantasy football. Back in the golden days, we drafted fullbacks for the first 9 rounds

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

My college roommate from years back, Barnaby Hogan, gave me Touch of Gray hair coloring, but it turned my hair mint green #notevenmad #PleaseAndThankYou

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

A millennial called me a snowflake at Circuit City today. I said “listen pal, I eat snowflakes like you for brunch” (when it’s snowing of course)

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

I’m afraid of the robot takeover. How am I suppose to enjoy a medium rare McDonalds double cheeseburger knowing some robot named Craig cooked it. I will not stand for it

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

I’ll die knowing I’m on the right side of history #neverforgetthewhalewar #downwiththeship

[Lucrae Jenkins @LucraeJenkins]

@atticussoupcan Other than this Ronald McDonald lookalike following me everywhere I go, I’m doing pretty good. How bout you?